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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Recent Saving Of Planet Attributed To Working Assets Long-Distance Plan

UNITED NATIONS–A U.N. report released Monday traces last week's saving of the Earth to Working Assets' long-distance plan. "Working Assets, with its donation of 2 percent of profits to groups like the Rainforest Action Network and Amnesty International, has been found to be the force behind the planet's saving," the U.N. report read. The report also found that by using green, soy-based ink and off-white, 20 percent post-consumer recycled paper for its bills, Working Assets halted the deforestation of 10 million acres of Amazon rainforest, prompted the release of 11,000 Tibetan political prisoners, and increased literacy in Honduras 40 percent.

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