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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Recent Saving Of Planet Attributed To Working Assets Long-Distance Plan

UNITED NATIONS–A U.N. report released Monday traces last week's saving of the Earth to Working Assets' long-distance plan. "Working Assets, with its donation of 2 percent of profits to groups like the Rainforest Action Network and Amnesty International, has been found to be the force behind the planet's saving," the U.N. report read. The report also found that by using green, soy-based ink and off-white, 20 percent post-consumer recycled paper for its bills, Working Assets halted the deforestation of 10 million acres of Amazon rainforest, prompted the release of 11,000 Tibetan political prisoners, and increased literacy in Honduras 40 percent.

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