Recently Born-Again Christian Finally Has Social Life

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Recently Born-Again Christian Finally Has Social Life

GASTONIA, SC–Eight months ago, Larry Dunne was alone. He didn't have a friend in the world. But all that changed with his baptism at the New Hearts Fundamentalist Church. Ever since becoming a born-again Christian, Dunne has a friend through Jesus. "Let's see, there's Richard and Janet and Craig," said Dunne, a data technician at Quill Paper Distribution. "Oh, and Brent, too. He stands next to me in the choir. Now that I'm saved, I've got a whole bunch of friends."

Larry Dunne (second from left) enjoys a Saturday-night "Pizza 'n' Prayer" party with his new friends.

Dunne said he has experienced a 180-degree turnaround since finding the Lord.

"Before I joined Christ's flock, everyone used to make fun of me and call me a weirdo," Dunne said. "But the people at New Hearts accepted me unconditionally–so long as I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. Once I did that, all sorts of wonderful things followed, like having plans on Friday nights."

Dunne first became aware of the 37-member church during a Saturday-afternoon walk.

"I was wandering around the neighborhood by myself, much like Moses wandered the desert for 40 years, when I saw a sign for a church rummage sale," Dunne said. "I was only at the sale a few minutes and didn't find anything, so I was just going to buy a brownie and leave. The two women at the brownie stand started talking to me, asking me questions about my life and stuff. I was really taken aback by their interest in me. It was nice."

Eventually, the conversation turned to religion, a subject Dunne admitted he knew little about.

"They asked me if I was familiar with their denomination," Dunne said. "I said no but that I'd be open to learning about it. Then they invited me to their Monday Bible-study meeting. I thought, hey, we're really hitting it off here."

According to Dunne, his first Bible-study meeting went well, with parishioners enthusiastically welcoming him into the fold. By the end of the night, Dunne proved such a hit, he was invited to a church sing-along the next night.

"I've never met a group of people I get along so well with," he said. "Sometimes, we get together on the weekends to play basketball, but instead of playing 'Horse' or 'Pig,' we play 'Jesus' or 'God.' And then there are the bake sales and other church fundraisers. The gang never fails to invite me along to those, either."

According to Dunne, being born again has improved his love life, as well.

"I've been dating Linda for about a month now," Dunne said. "She joined the church a year ago, right after going through a messy divorce. She needed Christ's wisdom to get her through that tough time. Even though she's 16 years older than me, I really think we're soulmates."

"Everything's been so much better since I took Jesus into my heart," Dunne continued. "For the first time in my life, I'm surrounded by people who actually want me to hang out with them. In Christ, I am liked."

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