adBlockCheck

Recently Born-Again Christian Finally Has Social Life

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Recently Born-Again Christian Finally Has Social Life

GASTONIA, SC–Eight months ago, Larry Dunne was alone. He didn't have a friend in the world. But all that changed with his baptism at the New Hearts Fundamentalist Church. Ever since becoming a born-again Christian, Dunne has a friend through Jesus. "Let's see, there's Richard and Janet and Craig," said Dunne, a data technician at Quill Paper Distribution. "Oh, and Brent, too. He stands next to me in the choir. Now that I'm saved, I've got a whole bunch of friends."

Larry Dunne (second from left) enjoys a Saturday-night "Pizza 'n' Prayer" party with his new friends.

Dunne said he has experienced a 180-degree turnaround since finding the Lord.

"Before I joined Christ's flock, everyone used to make fun of me and call me a weirdo," Dunne said. "But the people at New Hearts accepted me unconditionally–so long as I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. Once I did that, all sorts of wonderful things followed, like having plans on Friday nights."

Dunne first became aware of the 37-member church during a Saturday-afternoon walk.

"I was wandering around the neighborhood by myself, much like Moses wandered the desert for 40 years, when I saw a sign for a church rummage sale," Dunne said. "I was only at the sale a few minutes and didn't find anything, so I was just going to buy a brownie and leave. The two women at the brownie stand started talking to me, asking me questions about my life and stuff. I was really taken aback by their interest in me. It was nice."

Eventually, the conversation turned to religion, a subject Dunne admitted he knew little about.

"They asked me if I was familiar with their denomination," Dunne said. "I said no but that I'd be open to learning about it. Then they invited me to their Monday Bible-study meeting. I thought, hey, we're really hitting it off here."

According to Dunne, his first Bible-study meeting went well, with parishioners enthusiastically welcoming him into the fold. By the end of the night, Dunne proved such a hit, he was invited to a church sing-along the next night.

"I've never met a group of people I get along so well with," he said. "Sometimes, we get together on the weekends to play basketball, but instead of playing 'Horse' or 'Pig,' we play 'Jesus' or 'God.' And then there are the bake sales and other church fundraisers. The gang never fails to invite me along to those, either."

According to Dunne, being born again has improved his love life, as well.

"I've been dating Linda for about a month now," Dunne said. "She joined the church a year ago, right after going through a messy divorce. She needed Christ's wisdom to get her through that tough time. Even though she's 16 years older than me, I really think we're soulmates."

"Everything's been so much better since I took Jesus into my heart," Dunne continued. "For the first time in my life, I'm surrounded by people who actually want me to hang out with them. In Christ, I am liked."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close