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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Recently Canonized Martyr Added To Vatican’s Animatronic Hall Of Saints

VATICAN CITY—Bringing the tragic story of his righteous sacrifice to life, recently canonized martyr Salomone Leclercq on Friday was added to the Vatican Museum’s Animatronic Hall of Saints. “This newest addition allows visitors to experience the courage of the godly man who was murdered for refusing to swear an oath to the secular government following the French Revolution, as told through our astonishingly realistic robots,” said the museum’s curator Bishop Marcello Sandri, explaining that Leclercq, canonized by Pope Francis in October 2016, would be showcased alongside animatronic recreations of Thomas Becket being hacked to pieces and Joan of Arc writhing in pain as she is burned at the stake. “As with all the saints in the attraction, guests will be able to press a button and learn about Leclercq’s life and the miracles credited to him, all while watching him being run through with a sword over and over.” At press time, the exhibit was closed while the museum upgraded the lions devouring St. Ignatius of Antioch.

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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

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