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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Recently Divorced Man Thinks Everyone Else's Relationship Is In Trouble

SCRANTON, PA—Roger Dittman, whose four-year marriage ended in June, is convinced that the romantic relationships of all his friends and acquaintances are "on the rocks."

The recently divorced Dittman.

"It's sad to say, but so many people I know are heading down the same path as me," the 31-year-old said Monday. "It's amazing how many dysfunctional relationships there are out there."

Dittman, whose divorce from Amy Dittman, 29, became final on June 6, is unusually tuned into the troubles of others.

"There's this couple I'm good friends with, Stephanie and Matt, who, on the surface, really seem to have a solid relationship," Dittman said. "They're totally inseparable, which may seem like a good thing, but they rely way too much on each other for their happiness. Wanting to spend the vast majority of your time with one person is not healthy. They're co-dependent instead of inter-dependent."

In addition to co-dependence, Dittman cited 15 other "warning signs" that a relationship is in trouble, including stagnation, abrupt change, lack of common interests, over-compatibility, and any marked increase or decrease in sexual activity.

Often, Dittman said, relationships are the rockiest when everything seems to be going well.

"For my birthday, my husband Barry got me this wonderful, incredibly expensive present: a first-edition copy of A.A. Milne's Winnie-The-Pooh, my favorite book as a kid," said Jackie Peters, Dittman's sister. "I thought it was a beautiful gesture, but when I told Roger, he said Barry must be feeling guilty about something, like maybe an extramarital affair. I told him that was ridiculous, but he just said I was probably in denial."

Though many of Dittman's friends are grateful for his honesty and insight, others would prefer that he mind his own business.

"If [Roger] starts another sentence with, 'Ever since my divorce...,' I'm going to throttle him," said Joanie Castona, a coworker of Dittman's at Scranton Surgical Supply. "Maybe if he weren't always offering unwanted advice and treating people so patronizingly, Amy might not have left him."

Dittman disagreed with Castona's assessment.

"Poor Joanie," Dittman said. "She must be lashing out at me because her partner Claudine is straight and afraid to tell her. I knew this might happen to those two. See, even lesbian relationships have their problems."

For all his pessimism, Dittman saves his greatest doubts for his ex-wife and her new love interest.

"That stockbroker Amy's seeing now, if that isn't a heartbreak waiting to happen, I don't know what is," Dittman said. "With both of them caught up in such busy careers, when will they find the time to be together? Then there are all those expensive dinners and weekend getaways, which can't be good for the wallet: Money squabbles are bound to drive a wedge between them eventually. Such a pity."

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