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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Recently Divorced Man Thinks Everyone Else's Relationship Is In Trouble

SCRANTON, PA—Roger Dittman, whose four-year marriage ended in June, is convinced that the romantic relationships of all his friends and acquaintances are "on the rocks."

The recently divorced Dittman.

"It's sad to say, but so many people I know are heading down the same path as me," the 31-year-old said Monday. "It's amazing how many dysfunctional relationships there are out there."

Dittman, whose divorce from Amy Dittman, 29, became final on June 6, is unusually tuned into the troubles of others.

"There's this couple I'm good friends with, Stephanie and Matt, who, on the surface, really seem to have a solid relationship," Dittman said. "They're totally inseparable, which may seem like a good thing, but they rely way too much on each other for their happiness. Wanting to spend the vast majority of your time with one person is not healthy. They're co-dependent instead of inter-dependent."

In addition to co-dependence, Dittman cited 15 other "warning signs" that a relationship is in trouble, including stagnation, abrupt change, lack of common interests, over-compatibility, and any marked increase or decrease in sexual activity.

Often, Dittman said, relationships are the rockiest when everything seems to be going well.

"For my birthday, my husband Barry got me this wonderful, incredibly expensive present: a first-edition copy of A.A. Milne's Winnie-The-Pooh, my favorite book as a kid," said Jackie Peters, Dittman's sister. "I thought it was a beautiful gesture, but when I told Roger, he said Barry must be feeling guilty about something, like maybe an extramarital affair. I told him that was ridiculous, but he just said I was probably in denial."

Though many of Dittman's friends are grateful for his honesty and insight, others would prefer that he mind his own business.

"If [Roger] starts another sentence with, 'Ever since my divorce...,' I'm going to throttle him," said Joanie Castona, a coworker of Dittman's at Scranton Surgical Supply. "Maybe if he weren't always offering unwanted advice and treating people so patronizingly, Amy might not have left him."

Dittman disagreed with Castona's assessment.

"Poor Joanie," Dittman said. "She must be lashing out at me because her partner Claudine is straight and afraid to tell her. I knew this might happen to those two. See, even lesbian relationships have their problems."

For all his pessimism, Dittman saves his greatest doubts for his ex-wife and her new love interest.

"That stockbroker Amy's seeing now, if that isn't a heartbreak waiting to happen, I don't know what is," Dittman said. "With both of them caught up in such busy careers, when will they find the time to be together? Then there are all those expensive dinners and weekend getaways, which can't be good for the wallet: Money squabbles are bound to drive a wedge between them eventually. Such a pity."

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