adBlockCheck

Recently Married Man Ready To Start Dating Again

Top Headlines

Local

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Recently Married Man Ready To Start Dating Again

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Nearly 14 months after he said "I do" to his new wife Karen, attorney Robert Diehl, 36, told reporters that he finally feels ready to return to the dating world.

"For a long time, I wasn't there yet," Diehl said Monday. "After the wedding, all I wanted was to be alone with my wife. I couldn't even look at another woman without comparing her to Karen. But now, I'm finally ready to take a deep breath and throw myself back into the dating pool."

Diehl began dating Karen Gurnett in June 2000, and they married on Aug. 16, 2003. Although it has been more than 14 months since Diehl has been with a woman other than Gurnett, he expressed confidence that he'll be able to "get back out there and mix it up."

"Sure, it's going to be rough for a while," Diehl said. "But I can't let fear hold me back. I know that once I'm back in the saddle, it'll feel perfectly natural."

In addition to the emotional difficulties associated with starting to date again, Diehl said his marital responsibilities leave him with little free time.

"This past year has been an incredible drain on my time, energy, and emotions," Diehl said. "Now that Karen and I have unwrapped all the gifts, opened a joint checking account, and bought a house, I finally have some time to focus on me—on what I want. And what I want right now is hot, attachment-free sex with young, good-looking women."

Diehl said his wife's recent decision to travel to Atlanta led him to ask himself what he was waiting for.

"I have two choices—either ask that cute girl from my gym for a date, or sit at home feeling sorry for myself while Karen's out of town on business next weekend," Diehl said. "I'm through with wallowing in my own misery."

Diehl credits his male friends with providing the support he needed to motivate himself to get out and date again.

"My buddies have been great," Diehl said. "I was feeling like I had nothing to offer a woman, being married and all. But my friends encouraged me to ditch the negative attitude. I'm still young, and, according to the guys, nothing attracts pussy like a young, successful guy with a wedding ring."

Joel Brentmacher, who served as best man at Diehl's wedding, said it was hard to watch his friend endure such a difficult time.

"Rob used to be such a ladies' man," Brentmacher said. "It had to be a huge blow to him when his single life ended. We hated to see him closing himself off to all the other women in Birmingham and the surrounding counties just because he found a wife. But we gave him time and didn't pressure him. We knew he had to come back on the scene when he felt he was ready."

Although Diehl expressed excitement about dating again, he said he plans to "play it smart."

"There are so many good-looking women out there. I'd love to spend my lunch hour in a hotel room with all of them," Diehl said. "If I were 18 again, I might try. But I'm more mature now, and I have some experience under my belt. I'm going to ease into things. The best course of action is to take this thing one mistress at a time."

Diehl said his wife, whom he "will always love with all [his] heart," will be in his thoughts as he ventures out into the dating world.

"Over these past few months, I've had time to do some really serious thinking about Karen," Diehl said. "I think I have it all straight in my mind as to how I'll be able to cheat on her without her catching me."

"I have to take the whole thing slow, though," Diehl added. "I don't want to get hurt, and Karen would kill me if she ever found out."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close