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Recently Married Man Ready To Start Dating Again

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Recently Married Man Ready To Start Dating Again

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Nearly 14 months after he said "I do" to his new wife Karen, attorney Robert Diehl, 36, told reporters that he finally feels ready to return to the dating world.

"For a long time, I wasn't there yet," Diehl said Monday. "After the wedding, all I wanted was to be alone with my wife. I couldn't even look at another woman without comparing her to Karen. But now, I'm finally ready to take a deep breath and throw myself back into the dating pool."

Diehl began dating Karen Gurnett in June 2000, and they married on Aug. 16, 2003. Although it has been more than 14 months since Diehl has been with a woman other than Gurnett, he expressed confidence that he'll be able to "get back out there and mix it up."

"Sure, it's going to be rough for a while," Diehl said. "But I can't let fear hold me back. I know that once I'm back in the saddle, it'll feel perfectly natural."

In addition to the emotional difficulties associated with starting to date again, Diehl said his marital responsibilities leave him with little free time.

"This past year has been an incredible drain on my time, energy, and emotions," Diehl said. "Now that Karen and I have unwrapped all the gifts, opened a joint checking account, and bought a house, I finally have some time to focus on me—on what I want. And what I want right now is hot, attachment-free sex with young, good-looking women."

Diehl said his wife's recent decision to travel to Atlanta led him to ask himself what he was waiting for.

"I have two choices—either ask that cute girl from my gym for a date, or sit at home feeling sorry for myself while Karen's out of town on business next weekend," Diehl said. "I'm through with wallowing in my own misery."

Diehl credits his male friends with providing the support he needed to motivate himself to get out and date again.

"My buddies have been great," Diehl said. "I was feeling like I had nothing to offer a woman, being married and all. But my friends encouraged me to ditch the negative attitude. I'm still young, and, according to the guys, nothing attracts pussy like a young, successful guy with a wedding ring."

Joel Brentmacher, who served as best man at Diehl's wedding, said it was hard to watch his friend endure such a difficult time.

"Rob used to be such a ladies' man," Brentmacher said. "It had to be a huge blow to him when his single life ended. We hated to see him closing himself off to all the other women in Birmingham and the surrounding counties just because he found a wife. But we gave him time and didn't pressure him. We knew he had to come back on the scene when he felt he was ready."

Although Diehl expressed excitement about dating again, he said he plans to "play it smart."

"There are so many good-looking women out there. I'd love to spend my lunch hour in a hotel room with all of them," Diehl said. "If I were 18 again, I might try. But I'm more mature now, and I have some experience under my belt. I'm going to ease into things. The best course of action is to take this thing one mistress at a time."

Diehl said his wife, whom he "will always love with all [his] heart," will be in his thoughts as he ventures out into the dating world.

"Over these past few months, I've had time to do some really serious thinking about Karen," Diehl said. "I think I have it all straight in my mind as to how I'll be able to cheat on her without her catching me."

"I have to take the whole thing slow, though," Diehl added. "I don't want to get hurt, and Karen would kill me if she ever found out."

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