adBlockCheck

Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums

Top Headlines

Politics

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums

The former vice president searches for his favorite track on the 1986 album 'Inside The Electric Circus.'
The former vice president searches for his favorite track on the 1986 album 'Inside The Electric Circus.'

NASHVILLE, TN—Finally unhindered by his wife Tipper's 25-year-long household ban on violent and sexually explicit music, former vice president Al Gore, 62, reportedly embraced his newfound independence this week by listening to the albums of the heavy metal band W.A.S.P.

"For the first time in decades, I get to play the kind of music I like without someone nagging me about what a bad influence it is," said Gore, sitting on the floor of his living room as he cued up the song "Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)" on his stereo. "And I get to crank it up as loud as I want."

"These guys are kicking some serious ass," added the two-term U.S. Senator. "Check out this guitar break coming up—it's nasty."

Gore, who was prohibited from hearing music with graphic sex, violence, or drug references since Tipper founded the Parents Music Resource Center in 1985, confirmed yesterday that her crusade was "total bullcrap." In addition, Gore said that listening to the forbidden W.A.S.P. albums over and over again had not turned him into a satanic dope fiend as his wife and her associates had warned.

Gore enlists a couple of old friends to help him "ride the demon."

"It sucked because we always had to listen to garbage like Carly Simon and Lyle Lovett all the time," said Gore, who told reporters that he was "loving" being single again. "That stuff is lame, man. If it doesn't have big balls and bigger riffs, get it out of my stereo!"

According to Gore, being deprived of artists like W.A.S.P., Mötley Crüe, and Ice Cube for so many years only made him more curious. The former presidential candidate claimed that finally hearing them all for the first time was "like having [his] brains shot into outer space."

"I can't believe I wasted half my life helping Tipper put warning labels on this stuff when I could have been seeing these guys do their thing live," Gore said of W.A.S.P. "They used to whip raw meat at the audience. How bad-ass is that?"

"Cause I'm burning, burning, burning up with fi-ire!" added Gore, screaming the lyrics to "Wild Child."

According to Gore's personal assistant Eric Linscott, the Nobel Peace Prize winner has been spending most of each workday gorging himself on the songs "On Your Knees," "The Torture Never Stops," and "Show No Mercy."

"I spent six hours at Best Buy yesterday trying to find these Quiet Riot and N.W.A. albums he was asking for," said Linscott, who claimed he also purchased a mirror etched with the AC/DC logo for Gore's home office. "Whenever I try to talk to him about upcoming meetings or something, he just makes this, like, devil symbol with his hands or starts air-drumming. I'm really hoping this is just a phase."

Sources confirmed that Gore has also been catching up on movies that Tipper would not allow the 62-year-old to view because they contained violence, adult language, or nudity. He recently finished watching Purple Rain nearly 26 years after his wife forced him to turn it off because the song "Darling Nikki" contains references to masturbation.

Gore also announced plans to stay up all night watching Porky's, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Red Dawn, and The Terminator.

"Why would I need Tipper when I've got all this?" said Gore, gesturing toward stacks of compact discs, vinyl albums, VHS cassettes, DVDs, and Nintendo games. "I'll tell you one thing: If she thinks I miss her, then she's out of her mind, because I don't. I'm living the dream here, my friend. I'm not lonely at all."

Added Gore, "Not lonely at all."

In related news, family sources reported that Tipper Gore has been enjoying her newfound freedom by taking 20-minute showers and leaving the lights on all day.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close