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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Record-Store Clerk Gazes Down From On High In Aloof Indifference

AUSTIN, TX—Lording a full 14 inches over the miserable, vulgar wretches who roam the aisles of Dave's Discs, record-store clerk Bryce Lukas surveyed the teeming masses from his position at the front counter with a mixture of indifference and scorn Tuesday. "See them scurry for their precious Bob Marley and Metallica CDs," Lukas said. "One almost pities them, these corporate sheep who have never even heard of The High Llamas or Future Bible Heroes, much less Tortoise. Yet they are content, are they not, to inhabit their Sony-Elektra world, fulfilling their tedious R.E.M.-consumption duties?" Lukas then lowered himself to the level of a customer to direct her to the latest Sarah McLachlan release. "Aisle four, just past soundtracks," he muttered, eyes half-closed, with a dismissive, irritated wave.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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