adBlockCheck

Sports

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
End Of Section
  • More News

Recovering Prince Fielder Sick Of Pounds And Pounds Of Hospital Food

DALLAS—While under observation following season-ending neck surgery, Texas Rangers slugger Prince Fielder lamented to reporters Wednesday about the dismal quality of the hospital food that he has been consuming by the pound. “I’m not sure how they expect you to feel better when they’re feeding you tray after tray of this reheated garbage,” said the 30-year-old first baseman, bemoaning the heaping mounds of tepid, gravy-drenched salisbury steak; piles of bland baked potatoes; and hundreds of sugarless Jell-O cups that were carted into his room every few minutes when he rang his bedside buzzer. “The casserole they gave me yesterday was so nasty that I could barely wolf down all four pans of it. I'm so glad I can finally go home today and eat pound after pound of normal food.” Fielder added that he would never have agreed to go to the hospital in the first place had he not believed cervical fusion was a new type of delicious cuisine.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close