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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Recovering Prince Fielder Sick Of Pounds And Pounds Of Hospital Food

DALLAS—While under observation following season-ending neck surgery, Texas Rangers slugger Prince Fielder lamented to reporters Wednesday about the dismal quality of the hospital food that he has been consuming by the pound. “I’m not sure how they expect you to feel better when they’re feeding you tray after tray of this reheated garbage,” said the 30-year-old first baseman, bemoaning the heaping mounds of tepid, gravy-drenched salisbury steak; piles of bland baked potatoes; and hundreds of sugarless Jell-O cups that were carted into his room every few minutes when he rang his bedside buzzer. “The casserole they gave me yesterday was so nasty that I could barely wolf down all four pans of it. I'm so glad I can finally go home today and eat pound after pound of normal food.” Fielder added that he would never have agreed to go to the hospital in the first place had he not believed cervical fusion was a new type of delicious cuisine.

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