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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Recreational-Abortion Enthusiasts Applaud Repeal Of Partial-Birth Ban

WASHINGTON, DC—Hundreds of abortion enthusiasts gathered on the steps of the Supreme Court Monday to voice their support for recent rulings repealing the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003. "We just adore abortions, and now they're more convenient than ever," abortion lover Nayla Forster said. "Some women found it a real pain to squeeze the procedure in before the third trimester." Forster said that she personally tries to get out and have an abortion at least every four months or so.

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