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Red Cross Accused Of Wartime Non-Profiteering

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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Red Cross Accused Of Wartime Non-Profiteering

WASHINGTON, DC—The Senate Armed Services Committee issued a rebuke of the International Red Cross Monday, accusing the organization of wartime non-profiteering. "The Red Cross is exploiting the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan to extend its money-losing influence over international medical aid and emergency relief," said Chairman John Warner (R-VA). "Whatever their stated mission, the Red Cross exists only to fatten its blood banks and care packages." The accusations come only weeks after Iraqi officials accused the International Red Crescent, the IRC's Muslim branch, of masterminding multiple acts of humaniterrorism.

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