adBlockCheck

Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband

CLARKSTON, GA—A red-lace nightgown, barely covering area resident Amanda Yetter's body, sent waves of dread through husband and closeted homosexual Eric Yetter Friday.

Closeted homosexual Eric Yetter and wife Amanda.

"I was coming home late from a long, tiring day at the office, and Amanda met me at the door wearing that red thing," said Yetter, 36, referring to the size-large, satin-trimmed, babydoll-style nightgown with matching ruffled thong bikini Amanda recently purchased at Victoria's Secret. "I immediately thought, 'Oh, God, here we go again.'"

Yetter, who has yet to admit his homosexual desires to himself, much less his wife, returned home at 10 p.m. expecting Amanda to be asleep.

"When I pulled in the driveway, all the lights were all off, so I figured I'd be able to just relax and watch some TV," Yetter said. "But as it turned out, Amanda was waiting for me with the whole house lit up with candles and vanilla incense."

Upon seeing his wife in the nightie, Yetter feared that the situation would lead to intercourse, which until that point he had managed to avoid for a record seven weeks. Panicked, he began searching for an excuse.

"As Amanda unbuttoned my shirt, I tried to tell her that we'd wake up Eric Jr., but she said Grandma took him for the night so that we could finally spend some time alone," Yetter said. "Then I told her that I had to get up early to cut the grass, but she reminded me that the mower was broken. That's when I knew there was no way out."

The nightie

Yetter was led into the bedroom, where playing on the stereo was the CD compilation Pure Romance, an album he associates with a particularly unbearable Jan. 6 encounter with his wife involving mutual oral sex. After being instructed to kiss his wife all over, Yetter was then subjected to 23 minutes of marital relations.

"Amanda complains that we don't have sex often enough, but she has to understand that I have a very high-pressure job," Yetter said. "And then there's church, which we're very involved with."

Because of Yetter's strong Catholic faith, the couple abstained from sex until after their June 1995 wedding, an event that was originally scheduled for May 1993 but was delayed numerous times due to "extenuating circumstances."

Amanda said that, overall, she is satisfied with her sex life.

"I have to admit, it isn't exactly everything I've ever wanted, but it's normal for a couple's love life to fall off a bit as time goes by," she said. "Still, I just can't help but wish it was more like it was when we first got married. We were pretty crazy that first day or two!"

In addition to the infrequency of their coupling, Amanda expressed disappointment over her husband's habit of having a few drinks to "loosen up" to the point of inebriation before intercourse, as well as his tendency to face away from her during the act itself.

"It'd be nice if he enjoyed it more, but you know how men are," Amanda said. "When you finally talk them into it, they just want to get in there, shut their eyes tight, and get it over with as quickly as possible."

Added Amanda: "I'm hoping, though, that if I can be a more creative in the romance department, I can spice things up a bit. Maybe then, Eric won't spend so much time in his study with the door locked."

With Friday's coital duties behind him, Yetter is now focusing on the couple's June 11 anniversary.

"I hope Amanda doesn't expect us to go someplace romantic for the weekend," Yetter said. "A dinner out would be okay, but some secluded little bed-and-breakfast by the sea would be way too much. Amanda should know that sort of thing doesn't interest me."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close