Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband

Top Headlines

Local

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Good Times

Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband

CLARKSTON, GA—A red-lace nightgown, barely covering area resident Amanda Yetter's body, sent waves of dread through husband and closeted homosexual Eric Yetter Friday.

Closeted homosexual Eric Yetter and wife Amanda.

"I was coming home late from a long, tiring day at the office, and Amanda met me at the door wearing that red thing," said Yetter, 36, referring to the size-large, satin-trimmed, babydoll-style nightgown with matching ruffled thong bikini Amanda recently purchased at Victoria's Secret. "I immediately thought, 'Oh, God, here we go again.'"

Yetter, who has yet to admit his homosexual desires to himself, much less his wife, returned home at 10 p.m. expecting Amanda to be asleep.

"When I pulled in the driveway, all the lights were all off, so I figured I'd be able to just relax and watch some TV," Yetter said. "But as it turned out, Amanda was waiting for me with the whole house lit up with candles and vanilla incense."

Upon seeing his wife in the nightie, Yetter feared that the situation would lead to intercourse, which until that point he had managed to avoid for a record seven weeks. Panicked, he began searching for an excuse.

"As Amanda unbuttoned my shirt, I tried to tell her that we'd wake up Eric Jr., but she said Grandma took him for the night so that we could finally spend some time alone," Yetter said. "Then I told her that I had to get up early to cut the grass, but she reminded me that the mower was broken. That's when I knew there was no way out."

The nightie

Yetter was led into the bedroom, where playing on the stereo was the CD compilation Pure Romance, an album he associates with a particularly unbearable Jan. 6 encounter with his wife involving mutual oral sex. After being instructed to kiss his wife all over, Yetter was then subjected to 23 minutes of marital relations.

"Amanda complains that we don't have sex often enough, but she has to understand that I have a very high-pressure job," Yetter said. "And then there's church, which we're very involved with."

Because of Yetter's strong Catholic faith, the couple abstained from sex until after their June 1995 wedding, an event that was originally scheduled for May 1993 but was delayed numerous times due to "extenuating circumstances."

Amanda said that, overall, she is satisfied with her sex life.

"I have to admit, it isn't exactly everything I've ever wanted, but it's normal for a couple's love life to fall off a bit as time goes by," she said. "Still, I just can't help but wish it was more like it was when we first got married. We were pretty crazy that first day or two!"

In addition to the infrequency of their coupling, Amanda expressed disappointment over her husband's habit of having a few drinks to "loosen up" to the point of inebriation before intercourse, as well as his tendency to face away from her during the act itself.

"It'd be nice if he enjoyed it more, but you know how men are," Amanda said. "When you finally talk them into it, they just want to get in there, shut their eyes tight, and get it over with as quickly as possible."

Added Amanda: "I'm hoping, though, that if I can be a more creative in the romance department, I can spice things up a bit. Maybe then, Eric won't spend so much time in his study with the door locked."

With Friday's coital duties behind him, Yetter is now focusing on the couple's June 11 anniversary.

"I hope Amanda doesn't expect us to go someplace romantic for the weekend," Yetter said. "A dinner out would be okay, but some secluded little bed-and-breakfast by the sea would be way too much. Amanda should know that sort of thing doesn't interest me."