Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband

In This Section

Vol 44 Issue 26

Right To Own Guns Upheld

In its first interpretation of the Second Amendment in 80 years, the Supreme Court overturned Washington D.C.'s gun ban, stating that Americans had the right to own handguns. What do you think?

George Takei To Wed Partner

Following California's legalization of gay marriage, George Takei, best known as Sulu on Star Trek, has applied to marry his longtime partner....
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband

CLARKSTON, GA—A red-lace nightgown, barely covering area resident Amanda Yetter's body, sent waves of dread through husband and closeted homosexual Eric Yetter Friday.

Closeted homosexual Eric Yetter and wife Amanda.

"I was coming home late from a long, tiring day at the office, and Amanda met me at the door wearing that red thing," said Yetter, 36, referring to the size-large, satin-trimmed, babydoll-style nightgown with matching ruffled thong bikini Amanda recently purchased at Victoria's Secret. "I immediately thought, 'Oh, God, here we go again.'"

Yetter, who has yet to admit his homosexual desires to himself, much less his wife, returned home at 10 p.m. expecting Amanda to be asleep.

"When I pulled in the driveway, all the lights were all off, so I figured I'd be able to just relax and watch some TV," Yetter said. "But as it turned out, Amanda was waiting for me with the whole house lit up with candles and vanilla incense."

Upon seeing his wife in the nightie, Yetter feared that the situation would lead to intercourse, which until that point he had managed to avoid for a record seven weeks. Panicked, he began searching for an excuse.

"As Amanda unbuttoned my shirt, I tried to tell her that we'd wake up Eric Jr., but she said Grandma took him for the night so that we could finally spend some time alone," Yetter said. "Then I told her that I had to get up early to cut the grass, but she reminded me that the mower was broken. That's when I knew there was no way out."

The nightie

Yetter was led into the bedroom, where playing on the stereo was the CD compilation Pure Romance, an album he associates with a particularly unbearable Jan. 6 encounter with his wife involving mutual oral sex. After being instructed to kiss his wife all over, Yetter was then subjected to 23 minutes of marital relations.

"Amanda complains that we don't have sex often enough, but she has to understand that I have a very high-pressure job," Yetter said. "And then there's church, which we're very involved with."

Because of Yetter's strong Catholic faith, the couple abstained from sex until after their June 1995 wedding, an event that was originally scheduled for May 1993 but was delayed numerous times due to "extenuating circumstances."

Amanda said that, overall, she is satisfied with her sex life.

"I have to admit, it isn't exactly everything I've ever wanted, but it's normal for a couple's love life to fall off a bit as time goes by," she said. "Still, I just can't help but wish it was more like it was when we first got married. We were pretty crazy that first day or two!"

In addition to the infrequency of their coupling, Amanda expressed disappointment over her husband's habit of having a few drinks to "loosen up" to the point of inebriation before intercourse, as well as his tendency to face away from her during the act itself.

"It'd be nice if he enjoyed it more, but you know how men are," Amanda said. "When you finally talk them into it, they just want to get in there, shut their eyes tight, and get it over with as quickly as possible."

Added Amanda: "I'm hoping, though, that if I can be a more creative in the romance department, I can spice things up a bit. Maybe then, Eric won't spend so much time in his study with the door locked."

With Friday's coital duties behind him, Yetter is now focusing on the couple's June 11 anniversary.

"I hope Amanda doesn't expect us to go someplace romantic for the weekend," Yetter said. "A dinner out would be okay, but some secluded little bed-and-breakfast by the sea would be way too much. Amanda should know that sort of thing doesn't interest me."

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More