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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Red Sox Get World Series Out Of The Way

DENVER—The Boston Red Sox completed their 2007 Major League Baseball schedule Sunday with a win over the Rockies—the one formality remaining before they could officially collect their World Series trophy and finish their season in a timely and efficient manner. "Glad that's done," said catcher and team captain Jason Varitek, moments after the final out of the Fall Classic was recorded. "It would have been optimal, of course, to get the ALCS over with in the minimum four games, but at least we got these four wrapped up nice and quick. Whew." Varitek added that he doesn't understand why they have to have a whole parade for this.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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