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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Red Sox Host Cardinals For Game 6 Of World Series At Boston’s Orpheum Theatre

BOSTON—Driving the venue into a frenzy of deafening cheers, the Red Sox and Cardinals took the stage Wednesday night to play the sixth game of the 2013 World Series for a sold-out audience at Boston’s iconic Orpheum Theatre. “This whole place just went nuts when the lights went down; [Red Sox lead pitcher] John Lackey rushed out from backstage and they launched right into the first inning,” said Jordan Steger, one of 2,700 fans treated to the breathtaking pitching, batting, and pyrotechnics displays the two teams put on. “It got out of control for a while there—Jacoby Ellsbury hit a line drive that was headed right at me until one of the outfielders came scampering up the aisle to grab it. Love watching these guys play in such an intimate venue.” At press time, the Red Sox and Cardinals players were involved in a heated balcony-clearing brawl.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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