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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Red Sox Host Cardinals For Game 6 Of World Series At Boston’s Orpheum Theatre

BOSTON—Driving the venue into a frenzy of deafening cheers, the Red Sox and Cardinals took the stage Wednesday night to play the sixth game of the 2013 World Series for a sold-out audience at Boston’s iconic Orpheum Theatre. “This whole place just went nuts when the lights went down; [Red Sox lead pitcher] John Lackey rushed out from backstage and they launched right into the first inning,” said Jordan Steger, one of 2,700 fans treated to the breathtaking pitching, batting, and pyrotechnics displays the two teams put on. “It got out of control for a while there—Jacoby Ellsbury hit a line drive that was headed right at me until one of the outfielders came scampering up the aisle to grab it. Love watching these guys play in such an intimate venue.” At press time, the Red Sox and Cardinals players were involved in a heated balcony-clearing brawl.

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