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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Redford To Re-Digitize Ordinary People, Improve Space Battle

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Robert Redford took time off from his Sundance Film Festival duties this week to oversee the final Industrial Light and Magic re-digitization of his Academy Award-winning 1980 drama Ordinary People. "I've always been bothered by a couple of the scenes, and I've really wanted to redo them using some of the new technology," Redford said. "For instance, in the scene where the Timothy Hutton character first confronts his mother about the older son's death, you can see certain imperfections in the space battle going on in the background." ILM technicians are also adding a series of large, spectacular explosions to the second Judd Hirsch therapist scene, and the spaceship exhaust emanating from Donald Sutherland's car will take on a more realistic, fiery appearance with the help of new special-effects technology. Five minutes of new footage edited out of the original will also be added, including Mary Tyler Moore's secret meeting with an alien bounty hunter who for years has repressed his abusive childhood.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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