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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Redskins Ask Albert Haynesworth To Gain 2,400 Pounds

WASHINGTON—Redskins coach Jim Zorn reportedly asked new defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to begin bulking up Monday, claiming that by adding 2,400 pounds to his frame the All-Pro could improve his run-stuffing ability by single-handedly filling every gap on the defensive line. "Albert could be a dominant force if he just put on a couple thousand pounds," Zorn said of the two-time Pro Bowler, who signed a seven-year, $100 million contract with the team last week. "If he adds some mass to his shoulders, neck, and chest, and especially along his sides and the ends of his arms, there's not an offensive line in the league that will be able to move him, not even with help from a tight end." According to Redskins trainers, Haynesworth has been placed on a strict diet consisting of grilled chicken breasts, a green salad, and a giant barrel of lard at every meal.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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