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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Redskins Ask Albert Haynesworth To Gain 2,400 Pounds

WASHINGTON—Redskins coach Jim Zorn reportedly asked new defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to begin bulking up Monday, claiming that by adding 2,400 pounds to his frame the All-Pro could improve his run-stuffing ability by single-handedly filling every gap on the defensive line. "Albert could be a dominant force if he just put on a couple thousand pounds," Zorn said of the two-time Pro Bowler, who signed a seven-year, $100 million contract with the team last week. "If he adds some mass to his shoulders, neck, and chest, and especially along his sides and the ends of his arms, there's not an offensive line in the league that will be able to move him, not even with help from a tight end." According to Redskins trainers, Haynesworth has been placed on a strict diet consisting of grilled chicken breasts, a green salad, and a giant barrel of lard at every meal.

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