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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Redskins Claim They Left Stacks Of Head Coach Applications In Major Inner Cities

WASHINGTON—Redskins officials maintained Wednesday that the organization made a conscientious effort to find a minority candidate to lead the team by distributing bundles of head-coaching applications in the slums and ghettos of major inner cities. "Look, we put piles of applications in high traffic areas near housing tenements, abandoned warehouses, and back alleys, but the response was disappointing," said team owner Dan Snyder, adding that, in the end, Mike Shanahan was the only person who really seemed to want the job. "It's not my fault these people didn't want to take the time to fill out an application and send it in." According to Snyder, the application featured sections to provide personal information, experience, offensive and defensive ideologies, and references who could prove that the candidate was not white.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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