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Redskins Fans Can't Remember How To Cheer A Quarterback

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Redskins Fans Can't Remember How To Cheer A Quarterback

ST. LOUIS—During Sunday’s game against the St. Louis Rams, Washington Redskins fans across the country were reportedly having an extremely difficult time remembering how to cheer for a quarterback. “So wait, what I am supposed to yell when he’s on the field?” said longtime fan David Fenners, 47, adding that he “completely blanks” on how to conduct himself when Redskins rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III completes a pass, scrambles for a gain, or throws for a touchdown. “It’s something like ‘Go!’ or ‘Throw!’ right? Or maybe I’m just supposed to clap. I haven’t actually cheered for a quarterback since Mark Rypien, and that was like 20 years ago, so I honestly don’t remember what I’m supposed to do here.” At press time, confused Redskins fans were booing Griffin until they could think of something better to do.

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