The Week In Sports

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Ref Quietly Asks Penguins Players If He Can Have A Go At Hoisting Stanley Cup

NASHVILLE, TN—Timidly approaching members of the Pittsburgh Penguins as they celebrated their championship victory over the Nashville Predators, referee Dan O’Halloran quietly asked several players if he could have a go at hoisting the Stanley Cup, sources confirmed Sunday night. “Hey guys, this has always been kind of a dream of mine, so do you think I could take a turn holding the cup?” O’Halloran was reported to have shyly asked Penguins alternate captain Chris Kunitz after spending several minutes silently lingering just outside the huddle of rejoicing players. “It’s just that this is my eighth Stanley Cup, and in that whole time I’ve never even gotten to touch it. I promise I’ll be really quick, and then you can have it right back.” At press time, O’Halloran was reportedly standing frozen in horror after dropping the Stanley Cup.

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