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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Referee Frustrated By Number Of Commercials Shown In Replay Booth

SAN DIEGO—Referee Terry McAulay told reporters he was extremely annoyed by the exorbitant number of commercials he had to watch Sunday before being able to review the footage of a disputed fumble call during the Jaguars-Chargers game. "I'm trying to keep the game moving, but I have to spend forever waiting through a bunch of stupid commercials for Old Spice and The Mentalist, even through NFL promos," McAulay said. "And every time you try to change the angle or look at a freeze-frame, another message pops up saying your footage will be available after a short message from our sponsors. You used to be able to skip the commercials, but you can't now unless you subscribe." After reviewing the footage, McAulay said Brett Favre appeared to have crossed the line of scrimmage before throwing the ball during the Wrangler commercial.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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