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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Referee Frustrated By Number Of Commercials Shown In Replay Booth

SAN DIEGO—Referee Terry McAulay told reporters he was extremely annoyed by the exorbitant number of commercials he had to watch Sunday before being able to review the footage of a disputed fumble call during the Jaguars-Chargers game. "I'm trying to keep the game moving, but I have to spend forever waiting through a bunch of stupid commercials for Old Spice and The Mentalist, even through NFL promos," McAulay said. "And every time you try to change the angle or look at a freeze-frame, another message pops up saying your footage will be available after a short message from our sponsors. You used to be able to skip the commercials, but you can't now unless you subscribe." After reviewing the footage, McAulay said Brett Favre appeared to have crossed the line of scrimmage before throwing the ball during the Wrangler commercial.

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