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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Reggie Bush On First NFL Touchdown: 'That Was It?'

NEW ORLEANS—After Reggie Bush's first touchdown as a professional football player—a 65-yard punt return that ultimately allowed the New Orleans Saints to defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24-21—the rookie running back said he didn't know what he was expecting, but "this just wasn't it." "I don't know what I thought would happen, you know? Game-winning touchdown in the NFL, my first TD as a pro, I just hoped that… I don't even know anymore," said Bush at a post-game press conference, adding that perhaps "things felt off" because at USC over 20,000 more people cheered when he scored. "Maybe [NFL touchdowns] get better the more you get them. I sure hope so." When asked what he planned to do with the game ball, Bush said he was considering giving it to a young child, but didn't want to ruin football for him at such an early age.

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