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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Reggie Bush Unable To Run, Carry Ball At Same Time During Workout For Pro Scouts

LOS ANGELES—Heisman-winning USC halfback Reggie Bush, once touted as a possible No. 1 pick in the NFL draft, severely damaged his draft status Tuesday when he was unable to simultaneously run and carry a football in front of scouts. "He was fast—a 4.33 in the 40—but his knees kept knocking the ball out of his hands," Texans GM Charlie Casserly said after watching Bush struggle through the workout. "He managed to hang on a couple times by holding it out in front of him where he could keep an eye on it, but then he tripped over his own feet, fell down, and almost bit off his tongue, which was sticking out from sheer concentration." Bush is still expected to be drafted before his former teammate, quarterback Matt Leinart, who spent the day in the infirmary after striking himself repeatedly in the back of the head with the football while attempting to pass.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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