adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Reggie Jackson Still Mr. October To His Librarian

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Reggie Jackson, the legendary power hitter who earned the nickname "Mr. October" for his World Series heroics with the Oakland A's and New York Yankees, is still Mr. October as far as his librarian, Jody Halloway, is concerned. "Regardless of what else he does, Mr. Jackson has always been a classic gentleman," said Halloway, re-shelving the three bestsellers Jackson checked out in his last three consecutive library visits. "There's something about Reggie and this month... He just seems to be that much more remarkable this time of year, from getting the big volumes off the upper shelves to doing cleanup duty in the kids' section." Halloway did acknowledge that Jackson's outspoken nature and penchant for self-promotion has led to a spate of locally infamous flare-ups with Yankee Deli manager Millie Barton.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close