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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Reggie Jackson Still Mr. October To His Librarian

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Reggie Jackson, the legendary power hitter who earned the nickname "Mr. October" for his World Series heroics with the Oakland A's and New York Yankees, is still Mr. October as far as his librarian, Jody Halloway, is concerned. "Regardless of what else he does, Mr. Jackson has always been a classic gentleman," said Halloway, re-shelving the three bestsellers Jackson checked out in his last three consecutive library visits. "There's something about Reggie and this month... He just seems to be that much more remarkable this time of year, from getting the big volumes off the upper shelves to doing cleanup duty in the kids' section." Halloway did acknowledge that Jackson's outspoken nature and penchant for self-promotion has led to a spate of locally infamous flare-ups with Yankee Deli manager Millie Barton.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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