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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Reggie Jackson Still Mr. October To His Librarian

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Reggie Jackson, the legendary power hitter who earned the nickname "Mr. October" for his World Series heroics with the Oakland A's and New York Yankees, is still Mr. October as far as his librarian, Jody Halloway, is concerned. "Regardless of what else he does, Mr. Jackson has always been a classic gentleman," said Halloway, re-shelving the three bestsellers Jackson checked out in his last three consecutive library visits. "There's something about Reggie and this month... He just seems to be that much more remarkable this time of year, from getting the big volumes off the upper shelves to doing cleanup duty in the kids' section." Halloway did acknowledge that Jackson's outspoken nature and penchant for self-promotion has led to a spate of locally infamous flare-ups with Yankee Deli manager Millie Barton.

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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