adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Regulation Spitefully Obeyed To The Letter

GARLAND, TX–A regulation at a local Softee Loaf bread factory was spitefully obeyed to the letter Tuesday, when assembly-line employee Derek Giels, 48, acted in full accordance with stupid company regulations and dutifully submitted his eighth goddamn "Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials" form.

Derek Giels operates a piece of heavy machinery at the Softee Loaf factory in Garland, TX.

"That stinking machine chews up one of them rolls of plastic 10 times a day," said Giels, driving his blue ballpoint pen hard into triplicate form AX-434. "But if they want me to stop and fill out a form every time it happens, damn it, I'm gonna do it."

Giels' full, bitter compliance followed a mandatory 7:45 a.m. all-shift meeting, at which he and 78 other Softee Loaf workers were reprimanded for not providing proper notification of missing packaging materials. Supervisors warned that in the future, anything not promptly accounted for will be considered mishandled or stolen, and responsible parties will have the losses noted in their permanent files.

"I'll give them the proper notice," said Giels, addressing three envelopes for each of the triplicate forms, to be routed to the supervisor's office through intra-building mail. "Here's your friggin' proper notice."

Giels obediently completed the entire form, making sure to include his full name, employee number, department name, and supervisor's name, along with a brief description of the incident and the time at which it occurred.

"Stupid, lousy form," muttered Giels, writing down the precise time of the incident, down to the second. "I'll give 'em exactly what they want."

In the past, Softee Loaf employees only filled out a report if the lost or damaged item was of significant value. But after the meeting–which put the entire shift 20 minutes behind schedule and forced most employees to miss their first break to get the morning trucks loaded on time–Giels vowed that, in the future, he would fill out a Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials form for "everything down to a thumbtack."

In addition to filling out a form for the damaged plastic roll, Giels reported a 10:17 a.m. machine failure directly to his supervisor, acting in full compliance with directives given in the Softee Loaf employee manual. Rather than reset the machine himself, which he usually does several times a day, Giels left the work floor and spent 20 minutes locating his shift supervisor to get approval to restart the line.

"Sure, I could've restarted that machine myself," Giels said. "But I'm not gonna do that if that's not what they want me to do. I'm gonna be a good employee and follow proper company policies and procedures. We have these stupid, goddamn, idiotic rules for a reason, you know."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close