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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Regulation Spitefully Obeyed To The Letter

GARLAND, TX–A regulation at a local Softee Loaf bread factory was spitefully obeyed to the letter Tuesday, when assembly-line employee Derek Giels, 48, acted in full accordance with stupid company regulations and dutifully submitted his eighth goddamn "Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials" form.

Derek Giels operates a piece of heavy machinery at the Softee Loaf factory in Garland, TX.

"That stinking machine chews up one of them rolls of plastic 10 times a day," said Giels, driving his blue ballpoint pen hard into triplicate form AX-434. "But if they want me to stop and fill out a form every time it happens, damn it, I'm gonna do it."

Giels' full, bitter compliance followed a mandatory 7:45 a.m. all-shift meeting, at which he and 78 other Softee Loaf workers were reprimanded for not providing proper notification of missing packaging materials. Supervisors warned that in the future, anything not promptly accounted for will be considered mishandled or stolen, and responsible parties will have the losses noted in their permanent files.

"I'll give them the proper notice," said Giels, addressing three envelopes for each of the triplicate forms, to be routed to the supervisor's office through intra-building mail. "Here's your friggin' proper notice."

Giels obediently completed the entire form, making sure to include his full name, employee number, department name, and supervisor's name, along with a brief description of the incident and the time at which it occurred.

"Stupid, lousy form," muttered Giels, writing down the precise time of the incident, down to the second. "I'll give 'em exactly what they want."

In the past, Softee Loaf employees only filled out a report if the lost or damaged item was of significant value. But after the meeting–which put the entire shift 20 minutes behind schedule and forced most employees to miss their first break to get the morning trucks loaded on time–Giels vowed that, in the future, he would fill out a Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials form for "everything down to a thumbtack."

In addition to filling out a form for the damaged plastic roll, Giels reported a 10:17 a.m. machine failure directly to his supervisor, acting in full compliance with directives given in the Softee Loaf employee manual. Rather than reset the machine himself, which he usually does several times a day, Giels left the work floor and spent 20 minutes locating his shift supervisor to get approval to restart the line.

"Sure, I could've restarted that machine myself," Giels said. "But I'm not gonna do that if that's not what they want me to do. I'm gonna be a good employee and follow proper company policies and procedures. We have these stupid, goddamn, idiotic rules for a reason, you know."

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