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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Regulation Spitefully Obeyed To The Letter

GARLAND, TX–A regulation at a local Softee Loaf bread factory was spitefully obeyed to the letter Tuesday, when assembly-line employee Derek Giels, 48, acted in full accordance with stupid company regulations and dutifully submitted his eighth goddamn "Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials" form.

Derek Giels operates a piece of heavy machinery at the Softee Loaf factory in Garland, TX.

"That stinking machine chews up one of them rolls of plastic 10 times a day," said Giels, driving his blue ballpoint pen hard into triplicate form AX-434. "But if they want me to stop and fill out a form every time it happens, damn it, I'm gonna do it."

Giels' full, bitter compliance followed a mandatory 7:45 a.m. all-shift meeting, at which he and 78 other Softee Loaf workers were reprimanded for not providing proper notification of missing packaging materials. Supervisors warned that in the future, anything not promptly accounted for will be considered mishandled or stolen, and responsible parties will have the losses noted in their permanent files.

"I'll give them the proper notice," said Giels, addressing three envelopes for each of the triplicate forms, to be routed to the supervisor's office through intra-building mail. "Here's your friggin' proper notice."

Giels obediently completed the entire form, making sure to include his full name, employee number, department name, and supervisor's name, along with a brief description of the incident and the time at which it occurred.

"Stupid, lousy form," muttered Giels, writing down the precise time of the incident, down to the second. "I'll give 'em exactly what they want."

In the past, Softee Loaf employees only filled out a report if the lost or damaged item was of significant value. But after the meeting–which put the entire shift 20 minutes behind schedule and forced most employees to miss their first break to get the morning trucks loaded on time–Giels vowed that, in the future, he would fill out a Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials form for "everything down to a thumbtack."

In addition to filling out a form for the damaged plastic roll, Giels reported a 10:17 a.m. machine failure directly to his supervisor, acting in full compliance with directives given in the Softee Loaf employee manual. Rather than reset the machine himself, which he usually does several times a day, Giels left the work floor and spent 20 minutes locating his shift supervisor to get approval to restart the line.

"Sure, I could've restarted that machine myself," Giels said. "But I'm not gonna do that if that's not what they want me to do. I'm gonna be a good employee and follow proper company policies and procedures. We have these stupid, goddamn, idiotic rules for a reason, you know."

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