Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them

Top Headlines


Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades of antagonism between the two global powers, the U.S. has officially severed relations with Them, Bush administration officials announced Tuesday.

Rumsfeld announces that the U.S. has severed ties with Them.

"They have refused to comply with the U.S. time and time again," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said, following failed 11th-hour negotiations Monday night. "It's always unfortunate when diplomacy fails, but we could not back down. We have to be ready to fight back, in the name of freedom, against all of Them at once, if necessary."

Rumsfeld added: "If They're not with us, They're against us."

U.S.-Them relations have been strained for nearly three years, but disagreements came to a head last week, when two of Their leaders opposed a U.S.-drafted U.N. proposal seeking cooperation from Them in important peacekeeping missions.

"We've tried reasoning, but Their agendas are in direct opposition to ours," Vice-President Dick Cheney said. "They stand in stark defiance of stated U.S. policy. We cannot and will not allow Them to dictate global policy."

Many current U.S. policies regarding Them are outlined in a recent State Department report titled "Long Term Organizational And Regulatory Governmental Procedures: U.S. vs. Them." According to the document, the standoff is a result of Their continued economic encroachment, Their ongoing reluctance to allow U.S. military bases on Their lands, and the refusal of many of Them to speak English.

"The U.S. is surrounded on all sides by Them," Rumsfeld said. "Over 90 percent of the planet's land mass is controlled by Them, and the territories immediately south, west, east, and north of the U.S. are all occupied by Them. Until we can correct this risky state of affairs, it is vital that we maintain our military readiness to intervene whenever and wherever They oppose us."

Another key factor in the standoff is U.S. dependence on Them-controlled resources.

"The world's petrochemical supplies are nearly exhausted," National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said. "If we allow Them to control the only remaining fossil-fuel sources, how are we supposed to get our oil? By buying it from Them?"

"They only think about what's good for Them, but we're concerned with the needs of all Americans," Rice added.

Crewmembers of the U.S.S. Constellation prepare for further diplomatic breakdowns with Them.

Bush political advisor Karl Rove said that the current situation is unfortunate but inevitable, given Their outdated governmental frameworks.

"Americans enjoy a modern, pluralistic, democratic society," Rove said. "They, on the other hand, have a weird mishmash of contradictory belief systems and agendas. It's really not even worth penetrating the whole mess."

According to military historian Wesley Crandon, problems between the U.S. and Them go back decades.

"They have shown themselves to be dangerously aggressive," Crandon said. "Tensions have come to a head between the U.S. and Them when Them factions attacked the U.S. in the Philippines, Central America, Europe, and Japan."

According to Crandon, many U.S. political analysts hoped Them-led resistance had finally come to an end after the Cold War.

"But now, even former allies have revealed anti-U.S., pro-Them sentiments," Crandon said. "This includes the Them province of France and its lack of support for Operation Them Freedom, and England who—despite having helped the U.S. fight Them in the past—has recently been revealed as un-American by the ongoing Tony Blair investigation."

Experts remain unsure how long the current U.S.-Them rift will last, but President Bush said Tuesday that the U.S. will stand tall.

"We're Americans and They are not," Bush said. "We will not, under any circumstances, allow some alien, foreign one-of-Them to dictate how we're going to run our, or Their, lives. It's us and Them now, people."

One political expert stressed that, in spite of the ongoing climate of hostility, Americans have little to fear from Them.

"I wouldn't worry," Harvard political analyst Gregory Peters said. "Sure, the U.S. makes Them mad, but since we have unilateral military supremacy, it's not as if They can do anything about it."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close