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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Relationship Based On Mutual Love Of Woodcrafts

NEW CASTLE, IN–Jonathan and Tamara Wilcox, married for six years, have built a rewarding, loving relationship on the solid foundation of a shared love of woodcrafts. "For Tamara and I, there's nothing better than spending a Saturday afternoon together lacquering a birdfeeder or napkin holder," said Jonathan, putting the finishing touches on a wooden "The Wilcoxes" sign for the front of their home Sunday. "Before I met her, I was just sanding mail organizers all by myself." Tamara shared his enthusiasm, gushing, "I forgot how wonderful life could be until Jonathan showed me how to build and varnish a magazine rack."

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