Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations

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Vol 41 Issue 04

Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days

LEXINGTON, KY—Ty Crandon and Wesley Sandino realized Tuesday that they haven't seen roommate Joel Kramer in, like, five days. "Dude, have you seen Joel?" Crandon asked Sandino as the two sorted the mail. "No? Shit. His door is closed, but I knocked and there was no answer. I don't think I've seen him since, like, Thursday." Sandino and Crandon said they figure he's been staying at girlfriend Nora Krause's or something, and they hope he's all right.

Doctor Unable To Hide His Excitement From Patient With Ultra-Rare Disease

ROCHESTER, MN—Dr. Erich Stellbrach, a general practitioner at the Mayo Clinic, could barely contain his exhilaration Monday upon discovering that patient Oliver Patterson, 54, has the extremely rare degenerative nerve disease Gertsmann-Straussler-Scheinker syndrome. "Mr. Patterson, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you have—you're not going to believe it—spinocerebellar ataxia!" Stellbrach said, waving an x-ray of Patterson's spinal cord. "It afflicts only one in 2.9 million people!" Stellbrach recommended Patterson begin aggressive treatment to mitigate his impending brain dysfunction and onset of dementia, and made the patient promise to remain in his care.

GEICO Saves 15 Percent Or More By Discontinuing Advertising

WASHINGTON, DC—Executives at the car-insurance company GEICO learned Monday that they could slice 15 percent or more from their operating budget by discontinuing their extensive TV advertising campaign. "We couldn't believe it when we found out how much we could save by axing that ad campaign," said Tony Nicely, GEICO's chairman, president, and CEO. "Dropping that CGI gecko saved us a quarter of a million dollars—and it only took one phone call to our marketing department." Nicely added that sometimes a company has to save money to save money.

Part Written Specifically With Sylvia Saint In Mind

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Aspiring porn screenwriter Dick Shavers said Monday that he wrote his script Blonde Rambition for Czech-born actress Sylvia Saint. "Sylvia's an incredible performer, so I wanted to create a project that I could involve her in," Shavers said. "She's got a real knack for portraying vulnerable innocence with the experience of a pro. I knew Sylvia was the only person who could play the cum-hungry co-ed who gets double pumped by two black studs." Shavers added that he thinks Saint already owns the cheerleading outfit required for the first scene.

The Rice Confirmation

After a delay caused by Congressional Democrats, Condoleezza Rice will be confirmed as Secretary of State this week. What do you think?

Someday, I Will Copyedit The Great American Novel

Most of my coworkers here at Washington Mutual have no idea who I really am. They see me correcting spelling errors in press releases and removing excess punctuation from quarterly reports, and they think that's all there is to me. But behind these horn-rimmed glasses, there's a woman dreaming big dreams. I won't be stuck standardizing verb tenses in business documents my whole life. One day, I will copyedit the Great American Novel.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Kirk Herman and Deanna Greunwald surprised friends by exceeding second-quarter expectations for their relationship Monday.

Herman and Greunwald, who are successfully dating.

"Deanna has made some questionable emotional investments in the past, so when she merged with Kirk six months ago, my expectations for their futures were conservative," Greunwald's friend Doreen Miller said. "I guess Q2's explosive close proves how hard it is to predict meat-market forces."

Herman and Greunwald had their initial meeting in July 2004 at the Bull & Bear, a midtown Manhattan bar. Although they immediately capitalized on their mutual interests and single status, it was several weeks before the pair formed an official partnership.

"Kirk generally keeps a tight rein on his interpersonal expenditures," Herman's longtime friend Ken Klein said. "Contributions of affection rarely exceed his own yearnings. Also, there was an exchange of liquid assets on the first date, which is suicide in this dating market. It's not the sort of thing that generally leads to a permanent merger."

But after a sluggish first month marked by lack of confidence and speculations of diminishing returns, the couple began to gain upward momentum, and the figures quickly rose. Dating activity increased 43 percent, and both parties began to generate interest in each other's hobbies and activities, resulting in marked personal growth for both.

"It's no surprise that Deanna opted to synergize with Kirk," Klein said. "He's known for his predictability, and women at Deanna's maturity level tend to value that asset."

After unexpectedly high dividends in the first quarter, the couple announced a correction in the form of a "cooling off" period. By mutual decision, they devalued the relationship and began to see other people.

Friends projected that the couple would continue to underperform for the remainder of the second quarter, citing data from Herman's previous partnerships. But the couple surprised everyone with a living-space and possession merger in November.

"No one predicted the relationship would become so profitable so quickly," Klein said. "If anything, prior commitment models suggested a slow decline in adoration, possibly leading to dissolution of the partnership by mid-second quarter."

In spite of their friends' low expectations, the couple has maintained solvency.

"It appears that Kirk and Deanna are both fully invested in the partnership," Klein said. "Initially, there was some fear that their relationship model had ballooned beyond their means, but their affection output continues to show strong growth. I now believe their long-term plan is feasible."

Herman and Greunwald enter the third quarter with expectations running high.

"While Kirk and Deanna are still in the boom period, I have no reservations in providing an optimistic forecast for the close of the romantic year," Miller said. "Clearly, they got in on the ground floor of something big."

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