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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Kirk Herman and Deanna Greunwald surprised friends by exceeding second-quarter expectations for their relationship Monday.

Herman and Greunwald, who are successfully dating.

"Deanna has made some questionable emotional investments in the past, so when she merged with Kirk six months ago, my expectations for their futures were conservative," Greunwald's friend Doreen Miller said. "I guess Q2's explosive close proves how hard it is to predict meat-market forces."

Herman and Greunwald had their initial meeting in July 2004 at the Bull & Bear, a midtown Manhattan bar. Although they immediately capitalized on their mutual interests and single status, it was several weeks before the pair formed an official partnership.

"Kirk generally keeps a tight rein on his interpersonal expenditures," Herman's longtime friend Ken Klein said. "Contributions of affection rarely exceed his own yearnings. Also, there was an exchange of liquid assets on the first date, which is suicide in this dating market. It's not the sort of thing that generally leads to a permanent merger."

But after a sluggish first month marked by lack of confidence and speculations of diminishing returns, the couple began to gain upward momentum, and the figures quickly rose. Dating activity increased 43 percent, and both parties began to generate interest in each other's hobbies and activities, resulting in marked personal growth for both.

"It's no surprise that Deanna opted to synergize with Kirk," Klein said. "He's known for his predictability, and women at Deanna's maturity level tend to value that asset."

After unexpectedly high dividends in the first quarter, the couple announced a correction in the form of a "cooling off" period. By mutual decision, they devalued the relationship and began to see other people.

Friends projected that the couple would continue to underperform for the remainder of the second quarter, citing data from Herman's previous partnerships. But the couple surprised everyone with a living-space and possession merger in November.

"No one predicted the relationship would become so profitable so quickly," Klein said. "If anything, prior commitment models suggested a slow decline in adoration, possibly leading to dissolution of the partnership by mid-second quarter."

In spite of their friends' low expectations, the couple has maintained solvency.

"It appears that Kirk and Deanna are both fully invested in the partnership," Klein said. "Initially, there was some fear that their relationship model had ballooned beyond their means, but their affection output continues to show strong growth. I now believe their long-term plan is feasible."

Herman and Greunwald enter the third quarter with expectations running high.

"While Kirk and Deanna are still in the boom period, I have no reservations in providing an optimistic forecast for the close of the romantic year," Miller said. "Clearly, they got in on the ground floor of something big."

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