adBlockCheck

Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Kirk Herman and Deanna Greunwald surprised friends by exceeding second-quarter expectations for their relationship Monday.

Herman and Greunwald, who are successfully dating.

"Deanna has made some questionable emotional investments in the past, so when she merged with Kirk six months ago, my expectations for their futures were conservative," Greunwald's friend Doreen Miller said. "I guess Q2's explosive close proves how hard it is to predict meat-market forces."

Herman and Greunwald had their initial meeting in July 2004 at the Bull & Bear, a midtown Manhattan bar. Although they immediately capitalized on their mutual interests and single status, it was several weeks before the pair formed an official partnership.

"Kirk generally keeps a tight rein on his interpersonal expenditures," Herman's longtime friend Ken Klein said. "Contributions of affection rarely exceed his own yearnings. Also, there was an exchange of liquid assets on the first date, which is suicide in this dating market. It's not the sort of thing that generally leads to a permanent merger."

But after a sluggish first month marked by lack of confidence and speculations of diminishing returns, the couple began to gain upward momentum, and the figures quickly rose. Dating activity increased 43 percent, and both parties began to generate interest in each other's hobbies and activities, resulting in marked personal growth for both.

"It's no surprise that Deanna opted to synergize with Kirk," Klein said. "He's known for his predictability, and women at Deanna's maturity level tend to value that asset."

After unexpectedly high dividends in the first quarter, the couple announced a correction in the form of a "cooling off" period. By mutual decision, they devalued the relationship and began to see other people.

Friends projected that the couple would continue to underperform for the remainder of the second quarter, citing data from Herman's previous partnerships. But the couple surprised everyone with a living-space and possession merger in November.

"No one predicted the relationship would become so profitable so quickly," Klein said. "If anything, prior commitment models suggested a slow decline in adoration, possibly leading to dissolution of the partnership by mid-second quarter."

In spite of their friends' low expectations, the couple has maintained solvency.

"It appears that Kirk and Deanna are both fully invested in the partnership," Klein said. "Initially, there was some fear that their relationship model had ballooned beyond their means, but their affection output continues to show strong growth. I now believe their long-term plan is feasible."

Herman and Greunwald enter the third quarter with expectations running high.

"While Kirk and Deanna are still in the boom period, I have no reservations in providing an optimistic forecast for the close of the romantic year," Miller said. "Clearly, they got in on the ground floor of something big."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close