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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something

GURNEE, IL—After dating only two months, local couple Marcus Evenberg and Tyra Stone told reporters Wednesday their relationship already appeared to be hurtling toward something, though they could not confirm what that might be. “We’ve definitely thrown caution to the wind and are charging headfirst in one direction or another,” said Evenberg, adding that the relationship had the potential to lead, quite soon, to a development of some kind. “This is somehow going to change our lives in a big way, I’m sure. And we’re certainly moving very rapidly toward whatever lies ahead.” Experts agreed the Evenberg-Stone relationship had picked up such speed that the two were likely to lose all control and, as a result, experience strong positive or negative emotions toward each other.

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