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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something

GURNEE, IL—After dating only two months, local couple Marcus Evenberg and Tyra Stone told reporters Wednesday their relationship already appeared to be hurtling toward something, though they could not confirm what that might be. “We’ve definitely thrown caution to the wind and are charging headfirst in one direction or another,” said Evenberg, adding that the relationship had the potential to lead, quite soon, to a development of some kind. “This is somehow going to change our lives in a big way, I’m sure. And we’re certainly moving very rapidly toward whatever lies ahead.” Experts agreed the Evenberg-Stone relationship had picked up such speed that the two were likely to lose all control and, as a result, experience strong positive or negative emotions toward each other.

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