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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something

GURNEE, IL—After dating only two months, local couple Marcus Evenberg and Tyra Stone told reporters Wednesday their relationship already appeared to be hurtling toward something, though they could not confirm what that might be. “We’ve definitely thrown caution to the wind and are charging headfirst in one direction or another,” said Evenberg, adding that the relationship had the potential to lead, quite soon, to a development of some kind. “This is somehow going to change our lives in a big way, I’m sure. And we’re certainly moving very rapidly toward whatever lies ahead.” Experts agreed the Evenberg-Stone relationship had picked up such speed that the two were likely to lose all control and, as a result, experience strong positive or negative emotions toward each other.

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