adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports

ST. CLOUD, MN—Local resident Paula Sizemore, 29, who has consistently dominated her 28-year-old boyfriend Sam Leach during the entirety of their two years together, told reporters Monday that the couple's relationship should in no way be considered a power struggle. "The key to success in any loving partnership is communication and mutual respect," said Sizemore, who routinely ignores Leach when she's not interested in what he is saying and often mentions his shortcomings in front of the couple's friends. "With Sam and I, there's never any petty bickering or one-upmanship. In fact, I don't think we've had an argument in months, not since I made him get rid of that god-awful [1978 Dodge Charger] he was always working on." At press time, Leach was unavailable for comment, as Sizemore had cut him off before he could speak.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close