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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports

ST. CLOUD, MN—Local resident Paula Sizemore, 29, who has consistently dominated her 28-year-old boyfriend Sam Leach during the entirety of their two years together, told reporters Monday that the couple’s relationship should in no way be considered a power struggle. “The key to success in any loving partnership is communication and mutual respect,” said Sizemore, who routinely ignores Leach when she’s not interested in what he is saying and often mentions his shortcomings in front of the couple’s friends. “With Sam and I, there’s never any petty bickering or one-upmanship. In fact, I don’t think we’ve had an argument in months, not since I made him get rid of that god-awful [1978 Dodge Charger] he was always working on.” At press time, Leach was unavailable for comment, as Sizemore had cut him off before he could speak.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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