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Best Of April 2015

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...
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Relationship Reaches Point Where Breaking Up, Getting Married Would Be Equally Huge Hassle

KNOXVILLE, TN—Saying that both options would involve unwanted and burdensome investments of time and energy, local woman Amy Harris reported Tuesday that her four-year relationship with Will Mollison had come to the point where breaking up or getting married would each be an equally big hassle. “Neither one of us is really ready to get married, but to be honest, it wouldn’t be any easier for us to deal with splitting up and reentering the dating scene than it would be to organize an entire wedding and plan out our future together,” said Harris, adding that the pair had reached a place where spending months selecting a wedding venue, catering options, and a DJ would be just as big a headache as deciding which of them gets to stay at their shared apartment and live out the current lease, who keeps what furniture, and who receives custody of their 2-year-old Boston terrier. “At this stage, I think it would be just as stressful to settle down and formally pledge the rest of our lives to each other as it would be to give up and start looking for a lasting relationship from scratch. We’re just kind of stuck here.” The couple said they were at least comforted by the fact that neither one of them had the confidence to bring up either alternative for a long time.

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