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Relationship Reaches Point Where Breaking Up, Getting Married Would Be Equally Huge Hassle

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Relationship Reaches Point Where Breaking Up, Getting Married Would Be Equally Huge Hassle

KNOXVILLE, TN—Saying that both options would involve unwanted and burdensome investments of time and energy, local woman Amy Harris reported Tuesday that her four-year relationship with Will Mollison had come to the point where breaking up or getting married would each be an equally big hassle. “Neither one of us is really ready to get married, but to be honest, it wouldn’t be any easier for us to deal with splitting up and reentering the dating scene than it would be to organize an entire wedding and plan out our future together,” said Harris, adding that the pair had reached a place where spending months selecting a wedding venue, catering options, and a DJ would be just as big a headache as deciding which of them gets to stay at their shared apartment and live out the current lease, who keeps what furniture, and who receives custody of their 2-year-old Boston terrier. “At this stage, I think it would be just as stressful to settle down and formally pledge the rest of our lives to each other as it would be to give up and start looking for a lasting relationship from scratch. We’re just kind of stuck here.” The couple said they were at least comforted by the fact that neither one of them had the confidence to bring up either alternative for a long time.

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