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Relationship Reaches Point Where Breaking Up, Getting Married Would Be Equally Huge Hassle

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Relationship Reaches Point Where Breaking Up, Getting Married Would Be Equally Huge Hassle

KNOXVILLE, TN—Saying that both options would involve unwanted and burdensome investments of time and energy, local woman Amy Harris reported Tuesday that her four-year relationship with Will Mollison had come to the point where breaking up or getting married would each be an equally big hassle. “Neither one of us is really ready to get married, but to be honest, it wouldn’t be any easier for us to deal with splitting up and reentering the dating scene than it would be to organize an entire wedding and plan out our future together,” said Harris, adding that the pair had reached a place where spending months selecting a wedding venue, catering options, and a DJ would be just as big a headache as deciding which of them gets to stay at their shared apartment and live out the current lease, who keeps what furniture, and who receives custody of their 2-year-old Boston terrier. “At this stage, I think it would be just as stressful to settle down and formally pledge the rest of our lives to each other as it would be to give up and start looking for a lasting relationship from scratch. We’re just kind of stuck here.” The couple said they were at least comforted by the fact that neither one of them had the confidence to bring up either alternative for a long time.

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