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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Relationship Tips

Many couples find their relationships stuck in a rut after they've been together for a while. Here are some ways to rekindle the fires of love:

Remember: Fragrant roses, moonlit walks, and candlelight dinners are all wonderful ways to avoid addressing the real problems in your marriage

Communication is key to any relationship. Put down those binoculars, march right over there, and introduce yourself

Try buying your husband that watch he's always wanted, and then throwing it in the ocean to show that your love is more important than material things

Important: Homemade love coupons are not only fun, but they'll also save you hundreds of dollars when fucking your wife

Fresh fruit, fine wine and seafood are all known to arouse the passions. Cover the bed with them one night

Spice up your morning routine by shouting "Good morning, wife!" right into your sleeping spouse's face

Please, for the love of God, just stop doing that weird chewing thing with your mouth

Vary your lovemaking techniques by having make-up sex, break-up sex, and chased-around-the-front-yard-with-a-meat-cleaver sex

If you and your partner are having problems communicating, try and switch things up. Have your boyfriend call you an "impotent sack of balding failure," while you call him a "shrill, delusional hag of a woman"

Why not make a little game out of who has the higher income, with the loser having to clean the bathroom for a year?

Take your wife back to the place you had your first date, that magical spot in the Colorado Desert where you sipped wine beneath the stars, ran across the sand, and laughed with the ease of children, holding one other tight and—oh wait, that wasn't you. That was Clark and Emily Gundersen of Erie, NY

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