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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Relationship Tips

Many couples find their relationships stuck in a rut after they've been together for a while. Here are some ways to rekindle the fires of love:

Remember: Fragrant roses, moonlit walks, and candlelight dinners are all wonderful ways to avoid addressing the real problems in your marriage

Communication is key to any relationship. Put down those binoculars, march right over there, and introduce yourself

Try buying your husband that watch he's always wanted, and then throwing it in the ocean to show that your love is more important than material things

Important: Homemade love coupons are not only fun, but they'll also save you hundreds of dollars when fucking your wife

Fresh fruit, fine wine and seafood are all known to arouse the passions. Cover the bed with them one night

Spice up your morning routine by shouting "Good morning, wife!" right into your sleeping spouse's face

Please, for the love of God, just stop doing that weird chewing thing with your mouth

Vary your lovemaking techniques by having make-up sex, break-up sex, and chased-around-the-front-yard-with-a-meat-cleaver sex

If you and your partner are having problems communicating, try and switch things up. Have your boyfriend call you an "impotent sack of balding failure," while you call him a "shrill, delusional hag of a woman"

Why not make a little game out of who has the higher income, with the loser having to clean the bathroom for a year?

Take your wife back to the place you had your first date, that magical spot in the Colorado Desert where you sipped wine beneath the stars, ran across the sand, and laughed with the ease of children, holding one other tight and—oh wait, that wasn't you. That was Clark and Emily Gundersen of Erie, NY

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