Relationship Tragically Enters Going-To-Bathroom-With-Door-Open Stage

In This Section

Vol 44 Issue 10

The Chuck Taylor At 100

Prototype athletic shoe, timeless classic, style icon: Onion Sports celebrates the very first sneaker even as it analyzes it.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Eating

Small Business

Relationship Tragically Enters Going-To-Bathroom-With-Door-Open Stage

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Tragedy struck an otherwise ideal love affair between Frank Langford, 31, and Amy Diamond, 28, Monday, when Diamond used the toilet directly in front of her beloved for the first time. "Deep down, I knew this awful development was inevitable, but it still hurts to see the black day finally come," Langford said. "The most crushing part is that I didn't even mind that much. After all, I stopped bothering to suck in my gut around her months ago." Although it only began two years ago, the couple's relationship has already experienced such cataclysmic events as the no-longer-hiding-morning-breath stage and the slapping-each-other-on-the-ass-in-an-entirely-nonsexual- manner stage, and is now rapidly approaching the final indignity of the actual-love-based-on-mutual-understanding- and-respect stage.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More