CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Tragedy struck an otherwise ideal love affair between Frank Langford, 31, and Amy Diamond, 28, Monday, when Diamond used the toilet directly in front of her beloved for the first time. "Deep down, I knew this awful development was inevitable, but it still hurts to see the black day finally come," Langford said. "The most crushing part is that I didn't even mind that much. After all, I stopped bothering to suck in my gut around her months ago." Although it only began two years ago, the couple's relationship has already experienced such cataclysmic events as the no-longer-hiding-morning-breath stage and the slapping-each-other-on-the-ass-in-an-entirely-nonsexual- manner stage, and is now rapidly approaching the final indignity of the actual-love-based-on-mutual-understanding- and-respect stage.