adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work. “This shit better soothe the fuck out of me and quick,” said McCartin, adding that the box of Hungarian chamomile blossom and lemon myrtle tea was making some pretty lofty promises with its soft light-blue hues and lotus flowers plastered all over the place, so it sure as shit needed to step the fuck up and put his mind at ease. “I need to start feeling utterly blissful and placid as hell. I want all my cares melted away fucking yesterday. If I’m not fully at peace by the time I finish sipping this cup, I’m going to be so goddamn pissed.” At press time, a scowling McCartin was steeping a second teabag in his mug in an effort to get the feelings of serenity and quietude to hurry the fuck up.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close