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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Relieved Malia Obama Quietly Thanks Secret Service Agents For Taking Rap For Her

WASHINGTON—Expressing gratitude for helping her escape certain punishment, Malia Obama quietly thanked two Secret Service agents Thursday for taking the rap after she crashed a government vehicle into a White House barricade while returning from a late-night party. “Thanks so much, you guys; I promise I’ll be way more careful next time,” whispered the president’s 16-year-old daughter, adding that she would have been “totally screwed” if the two agents hadn’t stepped in to cover for her negligent behavior. “If my parents knew I was out drinking, they would’ve freaked. I really hope my dad didn’t get too mad and yell at you. Seriously, if you guys hadn’t taken the blame for me I would’ve been grounded for, like, a month.” At press time, Malia Obama was reiterating how grateful she was that the agents had also played off her boyfriend’s furtive visit last November as a security breach by a crazed White House intruder.

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