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Best Of March 2015

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Study: Not Many Disco Songs About Daytime

NEW YORK—In perhaps the most comprehensive analysis yet of the genre’s lyrical content, a Columbia University study published Friday found that very few disco songs have been written about daytime. The survey, which encompassed every known dis...

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...
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Relieved Malia Obama Quietly Thanks Secret Service Agents For Taking Rap For Her

WASHINGTON—Expressing gratitude for helping her escape certain punishment, Malia Obama quietly thanked two Secret Service agents Thursday for taking the rap after she crashed a government vehicle into a White House barricade while returning from a late-night party. “Thanks so much, you guys; I promise I’ll be way more careful next time,” whispered the president’s 16-year-old daughter, adding that she would have been “totally screwed” if the two agents hadn’t stepped in to cover for her negligent behavior. “If my parents knew I was out drinking, they would’ve freaked. I really hope my dad didn’t get too mad and yell at you. Seriously, if you guys hadn’t taken the blame for me I would’ve been grounded for, like, a month.” At press time, Malia Obama was reiterating how grateful she was that the agents had also played off her boyfriend’s furtive visit last November as a security breach by a crazed White House intruder.

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