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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Christ Delivered By Dr. Sidney Adler

JERUSALEM—In a discovery biblical scholars say sheds new light on the historical portrait of Jesus, religious researchers at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem have found that Jesus of Nazareth was delivered by Dr. Sidney Adler, M.D., a prominent obstetrician with a private practice in Galilee. “While many details surrounding the chronology and events of Jesus’ birth are still unknown, what we know for sure is that the man known as Jesus of Nazareth was delivered in a stable outside Bethlehem under the care of the private obstetrician Sidney Adler, who received his medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and completed his residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Los Angeles,” Professor of History Dr. Robert Beinin said of the new scholarly research, which found that Dr. Adler accepted Mary of Nazareth as a patient around 5 B.C. and heavily monitored the first-time mother for complications such as pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes. “Dr. Adler was recommended to Mary by a friend, he conducted her first ultrasound, and the Mother of God was said to be very pleased with his brand of personalized, compassionate care. When Mary went into labor unexpectedly, Dr. Adler rushed to her side and administered an epidural, then kept her calm and composed as he safely delivered the Son of God.” Scholars added that Dr. Adler remained personal friends with Mary after the pregnancy and delivered all of her subsequent children.

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