adBlockCheck

Recent News

Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Christ Delivered By Dr. Sidney Adler

JERUSALEM—In a discovery biblical scholars say sheds new light on the historical portrait of Jesus, religious researchers at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem have found that Jesus of Nazareth was delivered by Dr. Sidney Adler, M.D., a prominent obstetrician with a private practice in Galilee. “While many details surrounding the chronology and events of Jesus’ birth are still unknown, what we know for sure is that the man known as Jesus of Nazareth was delivered in a stable outside Bethlehem under the care of the private obstetrician Sidney Adler, who received his medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and completed his residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Los Angeles,” Professor of History Dr. Robert Beinin said of the new scholarly research, which found that Dr. Adler accepted Mary of Nazareth as a patient around 5 B.C. and heavily monitored the first-time mother for complications such as pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes. “Dr. Adler was recommended to Mary by a friend, he conducted her first ultrasound, and the Mother of God was said to be very pleased with his brand of personalized, compassionate care. When Mary went into labor unexpectedly, Dr. Adler rushed to her side and administered an epidural, then kept her calm and composed as he safely delivered the Son of God.” Scholars added that Dr. Adler remained personal friends with Mary after the pregnancy and delivered all of her subsequent children.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close