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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Remaining MLB Playoff Teams Say Things More Relaxed Without Yankees Around

OAKLAND, CA—According to sources from the four Major League Baseball teams still in contention for the World Series title, the New York Yankees' first-round elimination has made the mood in the 2006 playoffs much more pressure-free. "When [the Yankees] lost, it was like this giant weight had been lifted," said Oakland A's manager Ken Macha, who noticed that his team was "a little on edge" during their series against the Twins. "Now my team can just go out there, have a good time playing baseball, and not worry about the Yankees getting this idea in their head that it's all about winning." Tony LaRussa, Willie Randolph, and Jim Leyland agreed with Macha's assessment, adding that with the Yankees out of the playoffs, it will also be much easier to win the World Series.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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