Rematch With Mechanical Bull Planned All Week Long

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Vol 40 Issue 12

New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List

NEW YORK—The New York Times announced Monday that it will seek a court order to have Mitch Albom's book of discussions between himself and his dying mentor, Tuesdays With Morrie, forcibly removed from the paperback non-fiction bestseller list. "We've tolerated the old dead guy's ramblings for the past 66 weeks," Times Sunday books-section editor Mel Constantine said. "But now it's simply gotta go. I want Morrie out of my list—permanently." Should the order be successful, the book's slot on the list will be replaced by a line urging readers to donate to the Fresh Air Fund.

Reality Show Slowly Sinks In

EAST LANSING, MI—Though she'd lived in denial for nearly a month, toy-store manager Ellen Cranmer admitted Monday that the reality show The Apprentice has finally sunk in. "Normally I never watch those stupid reality shows, and I certainly don't integrate them into my regular week," Cranmer said. "But since around the time of the Trump Ice challenge, I've been passing on social events so I can be home Thursdays at 9 p.m." Cranmer said that she was shocked when she realized she hadn't missed a single episode, and saddened by her belief that Amy will win.

Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time

MANCHESTER, NH—More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river... and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man... tall, but stocky, wearing... a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house.

Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar

ASHLAND, WI—After earning $5 for mowing his family's half-acre lawn, 13-year-old Andrew Mink learned the negligible value of a dollar at the town's sporting-goods store Sunday. "Pops dropped me off at Dunham's before baseball practice so I could buy something with my hard-earned money," Mink said. "I kinda wanted a baseball glove, but that was almost $40. A new bat was, like, $65. Even a batting glove was more than $10." The teen finally found a wristband for $3.99, but he was unable to afford sales tax on the item after reserving one dollar for his bus fare home.

Stewart's Prison Sentence

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?

You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group

Sorry I'm late. The Gustav Mahler Jugendsymphonie is in town, and I was held back by the conductor, Claudio Abbado—terrible bore, please don't tell I said. But enough about that. Did everyone enjoy the reading of... Wait. What are you doing here? Did you not receive my phone message of 1:43 a.m. Tuesday last? Oh, you received it. Then, as you well know, you are no longer welcome in the Homer reading group.

I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot!

Last week, I was Maxwell Linden, lab technician. I was four long years from retirement, sharing a cramped little A-frame with my wife, and driving a Lincoln Mercury seriously in need of a new transmission. Today, call me Mr. Linden, widower extraordinaire. Along with my wife Leah, my financial troubles are gone forever. Even though her life-insurance payout was only $250,000, I feel like a million bucks!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Rematch With Mechanical Bull Planned All Week Long

LEXINGTON, KY—Ever since a humiliatingly short mechanical-bull ride at the Cadillac Ranch last Thursday, area resident Scott Wiseck has been planning a rematch, the 27-year-old UPS deliveryman reported Tuesday.

Wiseck visits the Cadillac Ranch to "size up" the mechanical bull in preparation for their rematch.

"Last week was flat-out embarrassing," Wiseck said. "I was barely up on that bull five seconds before I was face-down on the floor wearing my ass for a hat. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been acting like a big shot in front of those two girls from Bowling Green. I couldn't even look them in the eye for the rest of the night after I lost to that bull."

Lured onto the bull by the $500 prize awarded to the winner of the weekly contest, Wiseck was not ready for the Bullseye-brand bull's U.L. code set electricals and hydraulic bucking action. According to the automatic timer, Wiseck was vanquished by the bull in just 3.5 seconds.

"Next time will be different, though," Wiseck said. "I'm gonna be ready for that bull."

Wiseck said he has spent hours pondering the mistakes he made during the disastrous ride, in order to create a plan of action for Thursday's rematch.

"I was overconfident, plain and simple," Wiseck said. "My daddy always told me: You can't tame an animal unless you respect it. It's a little different, this bull being a machine and all, but the principle's the same. I went into that pit cocky, so I was bound to end up bass-ackwards in front of the whole town."

Wiseck said alcohol was another factor contributing to his defeat.

"I was too drunk last week," Wiseck said. "It's a good idea to have a few Coors longnecks to loosen you up and give you some liquid courage, but next week, I'm staying away from the 2-for-1 rail drinks. I'll have plenty of time to buy victory rounds after I take that bull down."

A large pre-bull-riding meal also contributed to his poor showing, Wiseck said.

"An hour or so before my ride, I ate a Saddle Burger with all the fixings," Wiseck said. "It's no wonder I didn't stay on the bull for more than a few bucks. Next Thursday, I'll just have one of those Power Bars. That'll put me in peak condition without filling me up."

Having reviewed his performance, Wiseck plans to rent the 1980 movie Urban Cowboy, to seek inspiration from John Travolta.

"I haven't seen Urban Cowboy in a long time, so I bet it'll pump me up," Wiseck said. "I've also been thinking about bringing my own music to play during my ride, maybe AC/DC's 'You Shook Me All Night Long.' Last week, George Jones' 'White Lightning' was on the jukebox when I lost to the bull. As much as I love that song, it's just not good bull-riding music."

With his plan laid out, Wiseck said he thinks he's in the running to not only win the $500 prize, but also beat the bar's all-time record of 34.5 seconds and displace Daryl Schumacher from the chalkboard hanging behind the bar.

"It's less about the money and more about the dignity of the Wiseck name," Wiseck said. "I will pay the $10 entry fee over and over again, all night long, if I have to. I don't care what anyone says, I'm going to beat that thing. This is personal; it's between me and the bull."

Wiseck's friends say they don't expect him to conquer the bull this Thursday, or anytime soon.

"I don't care how much Scotty wants it—he's not gonna beat the Big Motherbucker," Wiseck's friend Sam Lewis said. "His dreams are as big as the West Texas sky, but physically, he's just too weak. You need upper-body strength to ride that thing, which is something you just don't get from driving a delivery truck all day. He should probably stick to playing foosball in the back room, where he's king of the table."

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