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Remembering Allison Pencey

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Remembering Allison Pencey

Allison Pencey was profiled in the Wish Zone this week, a young Phillies fan whose burning hatred for and inspired heckling of Mets 3B David Wright kept her alive far longer than her terminal cancer should have allowed. It says something of her heart and drive that she died booing a Mets fan in her ward, collapsing both her lungs. That she used the ventilator to suck her last gasps of air and expel them telling the young Met fan to "go fuck himself with Santana's cock" says more than any blog post ever could.

Allison's day at the ballpark was pure magic. Her parents beamed as she yelled non-stop for three hours straight, foaming at the mouth and lashing spittle all over the stadium. Everything her parents bought for her ended up on the field, from hot dogs and popcorn to a commemorative bobblehead that Allison scraped against the cement floor assiduously thoroughly the game to sharpen it to a point and wing perilously close to Wright's head. Allison led the crowd in obscene chants about Wright's mother, questioned his sexuality and made lewd gestures suggesting Wright engages in sexual relations with various pieces of baseball equipment.

And now, she has been cut down, long before her time. It is up to we all, her fans, and loved ones and admirers, to carry on her legacy. If you see David Wright, whether it's on TV or a baseball card or in person at a game, think of him as Allison did: as a pretty boy cocksucker with a noodle arm who deserves to die of cancer like her.

Rest in peace, Allison. Give God the finger for us.

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