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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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R.E.M.’s Children Still Hoping Parents Will Get Back Together

PORTLAND, OR—Claiming they are still struggling to accept their parents’ split-up, the children of seminal alternative rock band R.E.M. revealed Friday that they continue to hope their parents’ band will one day reconcile. “I just don’t understand why they can’t be happy together like they were before, when things were good,” said Zoe, daughter of guitarist Peter Buck, echoing the thoughts of Julian Mills and Zelda Buck, who just want their parents in the acclaimed jangle pop group to get back together in the studio. “I asked my dad if it was our fault that they broke up and he said, ‘No, honey, of course not. Sometimes adult Gen X musicians just don’t get along.’ But it hurts. I just want it to be like it was on the Monster tour again.” At press time, the members of R.E.M. reassured the children that, no matter what, they would always be the 1992 Grammy Award winners for Best Alternative Music Album.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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