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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird

ITHACA, NY—Though he now enjoys a successful career as one of the nation’s foremost bird experts, distinguished ornithologist Timothy Washburn admitted to reporters Tuesday that when he was young, his dream was to actually become a bird himself. “When I was first starting out, the idea of being the guy who studied birds was the farthest thing from my mind,” said the longtime Cornell University professor, who went on to explain that it was a “fairly difficult” time in his life when he ultimately realized being a bird just wasn’t in the cards. “It was hard letting go of that dream, but really, this is the next best thing—I get to hang around with birds all day. Of course, a part of me will always wonder what it’s like to be the one who’s out there actually flying around, building nests, and migrating south for the winter.” While stressing his commitment to ornithology, Washburn acknowledged that from time to time he does catch himself eating a few earthworms and “thinking about what might have been.”

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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