Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird

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Vol 49 Issue 24

More White Americans Dying Than Being Born

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, for the first time in modern history, more white Americans are dying than being born, with whites predicted to fall below 50 percent of the population by 2043.

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The NSA chief claimed that his agency’s phone and internet surveillance programs had stopped “dozens” of acts of terrorism, and the FBI director added that, had the programs been in place at the time, the government could have also preve...
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Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird

ITHACA, NY—Though he now enjoys a successful career as one of the nation’s foremost bird experts, distinguished ornithologist Timothy Washburn admitted to reporters Tuesday that when he was young, his dream was to actually become a bird himself. “When I was first starting out, the idea of being the guy who studied birds was the farthest thing from my mind,” said the longtime Cornell University professor, who went on to explain that it was a “fairly difficult” time in his life when he ultimately realized being a bird just wasn’t in the cards. “It was hard letting go of that dream, but really, this is the next best thing—I get to hang around with birds all day. Of course, a part of me will always wonder what it’s like to be the one who’s out there actually flying around, building nests, and migrating south for the winter.” While stressing his commitment to ornithology, Washburn acknowledged that from time to time he does catch himself eating a few earthworms and “thinking about what might have been.”

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