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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Repellent 9-Year-Old Crushed At Suspension Of Favorite Baseball Player A-Rod

NEW YORK—Following Major League Baseball’s decision to suspend the Yankees third baseman for 211 games, 9-year-old Alex Rodriguez fan and utterly repellent little asshole David Polaski expressed his heartbreak Tuesday that he won’t be able to see his favorite player in action until 2015. “I love A-Rod—he’s the best, and now I don’t get to watch him at all,” said the insufferable and entitled little prick, who sources confirmed has absolutely no friends and is hated by virtually everyone who knows or has ever met him. “The MLB is stupid. A-Rod’s the most awesome player ever. This sucks.” The repulsive, self-absorbed brat added that he’s just glad he can still watch his second-favorite player, Yankees relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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