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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Repellent 9-Year-Old Crushed At Suspension Of Favorite Baseball Player A-Rod

NEW YORK—Following Major League Baseball’s decision to suspend the Yankees third baseman for 211 games, 9-year-old Alex Rodriguez fan and utterly repellent little asshole David Polaski expressed his heartbreak Tuesday that he won’t be able to see his favorite player in action until 2015. “I love A-Rod—he’s the best, and now I don’t get to watch him at all,” said the insufferable and entitled little prick, who sources confirmed has absolutely no friends and is hated by virtually everyone who knows or has ever met him. “The MLB is stupid. A-Rod’s the most awesome player ever. This sucks.” The repulsive, self-absorbed brat added that he’s just glad he can still watch his second-favorite player, Yankees relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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