Report: 100 Percent Of College Football Players Receiving Benefits Of Being College Football Players

In This Section

Vol 46 Issue 50

Julian Assange: Nobody Likes A Tattletale

Although Julian Assange sparked a media firestorm when he revealed thousands of pages of Pentagon reports proving that the U.S. military concealed more than 15,000 civilian deaths in Iraq, that rampant corruption and negligence among private contractors there poses a profound security risk, and that the U.S. State Department continually questions the strength of Russia's democracy, the fact remains that nobody wants to listen to an annoying little tattler.

Mark Zuckerberg - Gotta Hand It To The Little Fucker

No one made as large an impact on how we interact in 2010 as Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who you really gotta hand it to, as much as you'd like to punch the little shit right in his smug, 26-year-old-billionaire face.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Entertainment

Report: 100 Percent Of College Football Players Receiving Benefits Of Being College Football Players

INDIANAPOLIS—An exhaustive three-year internal investigation has confirmed that a full 100 percent of college football players receive the advantages that come with being a college football player, the NCAA reported Friday. "We were frankly stunned at the benefits athletes received when it came to classwork, housing, transportation, tuition, even food. There appears to be no part of the college experience in which one doesn't receive special treatment in exchange for playing football," the report read in part. "In truth, it's inaccurate to use the term 'student athlete' in describing these young men, as one of the benefits of being a college football player is never having to cram for tests, attend a study group, or take out a student loan. It's shocking that these practices are tolerated at our nation's institutions of higher learning." The report ultimately concluded that while a litany of unfair benefits are rampant in NCAA football, this year's Auburn-Oregon championship matchup does look like a pretty amazing game that surely can't be missed.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More