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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Report: 15% Of Cars In Mall Parking Lots Occupied By Family Member Who Stormed Off After Fight

PHILADELPHIA—Confirming their findings were consistent across all observed locations and at all times of day, a report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that 15 percent of cars in mall parking lots are occupied by family members who stormed out to the vehicles following a heated argument. “According to our data, roughly one in seven automobiles in shopping mall parking garages contain an individual attempting to get away from their insensitive, overly critical, indecisive, or slow-paced family members in the wake of a screaming match that, in many cases, had been brewing all day before coming to a head in the linen section of a department store or the Forever 21 dressing rooms,” read the report, which noted that 4 percent of motor vehicles in mall parking areas contain a father angrily sitting at the wheel listening to a classic rock radio station after a dispute with his wife in Sur La Table while trying to decide on a birthday gift for his mother-in-law; 4 percent contain a daughter texting her friends how mad she is at her parents for refusing to buy a dress at American Eagle that was deemed either too expensive or immodest; and an additional 3 percent contain an individual who could not take it anymore when a family member said they just needed to check out GameStop or Crabtree & Evelyn “real quick.” “We also found that subjects were evenly split between those who curtly informed their family that they’d be waiting in the car before heading toward the parking lot, and those who just asked for the keys and walked off. Furthermore, we noted that an additional 6 percent of vehicles are occupied by a family member who became embroiled in a verbal spat on the drive to the mall and needed some space for a moment before meeting the rest of their family inside the mall a little later.” The report also noted that the vast majority of pretzel purchases from Auntie Anne’s are made in an attempt to make amends after such fights.

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