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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Report: 23% Of Population Just Sort Of Like That

WASHINGTON—A recent poll from the Institute for Figuring People Out revealed Tuesday that nearly one quarter of the U.S. population is just sort of like that. A report on the findings stated that 23 percent of Americans are "a little off," and even if they don't get up in anyone's face or anything, you never know when they're going to be in one of those moods. Within this group of respondents, 64 percent were not all there, 31 percent couldn't be bothered, and God forbid you even talk to the other 5 percent without some kind of hassle. The study concluded that, while many people seem pretty out there, perhaps that's just the way they are, and moreover, what can you do?

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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

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