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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Report: 250 Million Americans Still Need Guests On Their Podcasts This Week

WASHINGTON—According to a report out today, 250 million Americans are still scrambling to find someone to appear on their podcasts this week, as the guests they would normally book either just appeared on last week’s episode or are too busy hosting their own shows. “I’ve been trying to book my brother-in-law, who occasionally watches Mad Men and could probably fill some time talking about that, but he just called and said he has to guest-host his buddy’s podcast,” said Robert Healy, host of The TV Robcast and one of the quarter billion podcasters nationwide who cannot secure a guest with whom to engage in 45 minutes of inane banter about politics, food, stand-up comedy, or rock music. “I could run a ‘Best Of Robcast’ special, but I did that last week, and I want to keep it fresh.” The report also stated that no podcasters will consider simply not releasing an episode this week, as not one of them wants to risk losing any of the 14 listeners they have been steadily cultivating for the past year and a half.

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