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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Report: 32 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Still Not Famous

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau, only 32 percent of Americans are still not famous.

"Between Powerball winners, president-fellaters, 11-year-old elementary-school shooters, daytime-TV talk-show guests, and women who give birth on the Internet, a whopping 68 percent of U.S. citizens can be categorized as celebrities," Census Bureau director Gordon Tillinghast said. "The 'non-famed' demographic is among the most rapidly shrinking in the U.S."

The 32 percent figure, determined by the Census Bureau's July 1998 Current Population Survey, represents a 10 percent decline in the number of non-famous Americans over the past 18 months. At the current rate of celebrity growth among the general populace, census officials estimate, 225 million U.S. citizens will be famous by 2003.

Celebrity interviewer Barbara Walters with Kato Kaelin, one of an estimated 174 million U.S. celebrities. Kaelin gained worldwide fame in 1995 for his wildly popular stint as the houseguest of O.J. Simpson.

"Just about everyone I know is famous," said Wichita Falls, TX, resident Frederick Trotta, who rose to national prominence in 1997 when he won The Today Show's "My Husband Has America's Funniest-Looking Beard!" contest after his wife Carla submitted his photo to the NBC morning program. Trotta added that his wife has been famous herself since October 1986, when, as a high-school senior, a home video of her and three friends lip-synching to Madonna's "True Blue" was featured on an MTV "Blue Monday"-themed video program. He also noted that two of his neighbors were profiled on Dateline NBC, as well as several other newsmagazines, after their respective UFO-abduction experiences were featured as dramatic recreations on the Sci-Fi Channel's Sightings.

Census officials attribute the rise in the number of famous Americans to the ever-expanding variety of ways a person can achieve celebrity status.

"Thirty years ago, if you wanted to be famous, you pretty much had three options: become a singer, an athlete or a movie star," said Census Bureau deputy director Tim Evigan, brother of B.J. And The Bear star Greg Evigan and recent guest on a "Siblings To The Stars" episode of Sally Jessy Raphäel. "Today, however, the number of ways one can achieve fame is staggering: You could win a contest, fall into a well, blow up a federal building, sleep with a senator and then pose nude, become paralyzed, kill a guitarist, give birth to a lot of babies at once, stalk a supermodel—the possibilities are endless."

So why are so few Americans opting for the traditional, old-fashioned, non-famous lifestyle? According to newly anointed celebrity and MTV "I Wanna Be A VJ" contest-winner Jesse Camp, the answer lies in Americans' fascination not merely with the famous, but with fame itself.

"Becoming famous is the ultimate dream for millions of Americans raised in our culture of celebrity worship, even for those who, like myself, don't really have an actual reason to be famous," Camp said. "Fame isn't the exclusive domain of those with a particular talent like it used to be. As my own meteoric rise to national prominence attests, fame is now well within the reach of even the least interesting."

Added Camp, "This is a great time to be famous."

With most industry leaders forecasting a 750-channel television landscape in the next 10 years, the number of non-famous Americans is likely to drop substantially.

"We're going to have to find something to fill all that new airtime," said Viacom vice-president of programming John Garrick, currently overseeing development of 35 new programs, including Those Amazing Septuplets!, The Heidi Fleiss Show and Unedited Footage Of Pedestrians Walking. "We just inked a deal for Mary Kay LeTourneau and Jessica Hahn to host their own talk shows, even though most people can't even remember how they became celebrities in the first place. Being famous has never been easier."

Douglas Bloomer, a Galveston, TX, data-entry supervisor who achieved celebrity by riding a roller coaster for five days to win a new Volkswagen Beetle, also expects the number of famous people to rise. "If I'm famous, then just about anybody can be," he said. "I just want to say to all my fans out there who want to be celebrities and are jealous of those of us who are, don't worry: You will be any day now."

Lynette Herlihy, executive producer of cable channel FX's upcoming The Soy Bomb Guy Variety Hour, agreed. "To those of you out there who have yet to join the ranks of stardom, hang in there; your time is coming. Just remember: One potato chip in the shape of Mother Teresa is all it takes."

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