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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Report: 40,000 People Died On Ferris Wheels This Summer

NEW YORK— In its annual report of carnival and amusement park fatalities released Thursday, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration found that 40,000 riders lost their lives in Ferris wheel accidents during the summer of 2011. "Approximately 18,000 riders slipped out of their safety restraints and fell, suffering repeated traumas as they hit each spoke of the moving wheel on their way to the ground," said OSHA spokesperson Ben Simmons, who cited routine wear on the machines as the underlying cause of most fatalities. "We estimate 9,500 were engulfed in flames, 4,600 starved to death, and 17 fell victim to the Ferris Wheel Slasher, who is evidently still at large. Overall, Ferris wheel fatalities increased 6 percent from the summer of 2010." The report also listed 294 deaths from three separate incidents in which a Ferris wheel detached from its axle and rolled into other Ferris wheels.

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