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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Report: 43% Of Party Invitations Unprovoked

TUCSON, AZ—Claiming that millions of unsuspecting recipients are caught off-guard each year, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Arizona found that 43 percent of all party invitations are entirely unprovoked. “According to our data, nearly half of all invites to birthday parties, house parties, and backyard cookouts are extended without the invitee doing anything at all to instigate such a solicitation,” said lead researcher Jennifer Davis, who noted that Facebook notifications, phone calls, text messages, and Evites requesting one’s attendance at an organized social gathering can strike anybody without warning. “Sadly, for many individuals, the repercussions of receiving an unprovoked invitation to a distant cousin’s graduation celebration or coworker’s Halloween party can be devastating.” Davis noted that the disastrous effects of an unanticipated invitation could be compounded even further if the recipient was expected to bring a housewarming or baby shower gift for the host.

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