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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks

SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks. "Taking into account how they're always talking to each other about some client or project or something and acting all high and mighty, it is our determination that [the people on the fifth floor] are pretty much all cocksuckers," the report read in part. "They don't even look at you when you walk into the elevator, and they don't laugh at your jokes, either. It's like, ooh, sorry, people on the fifth floor, I guess we're not all attractive and wealthy like you. Pricks." The report also confirmed there was that one woman from there who looks kind of like Laura San Giacomo who smiled once, so she might be okay, but the rest of them can go to hell.

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