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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Report: 76ers Have Enough Cap Space To Infuriate Fan Base

PHILADELPHIA—As NBA free agency continues to take shape, sources close to the Philadelphia 76ers front office confirmed Thursday that the team has enough cap space this offseason to completely enrage its fan base. “The Sixers are more than $30 million under the cap, which means they can theoretically make a number of moves that leave their fans humiliated and utterly hopeless, all without having to pay any luxury tax,” said ESPN NBA analyst Marc Jackson, adding that Philadelphia has enough salary to offer inflated long-term contracts to multiple incredibly overhyped free agents, effectively torpedoing the team’s playoff hopes for the next decade. “They have plenty of options at this point. Do they pay way too much for a declining, 32-year-old Carlos Boozer? Or do they opt to just throw away future draft picks in order to build a team around the fatally flawed core of Amar’e Stoudemire, Derrick Williams, and Joel Embiid? With this much money available, there are just so many ways they can perpetually infuriate every single basketball fan in Philadelphia for the foreseeable future.” Jackson went on to say the most likely scenario would be the 76ers simply refusing to spend any money at all and forcing their fans to watch the current roster play another full season.

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