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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Report: 76ers Have Enough Cap Space To Infuriate Fan Base

PHILADELPHIA—As NBA free agency continues to take shape, sources close to the Philadelphia 76ers front office confirmed Thursday that the team has enough cap space this offseason to completely enrage its fan base. “The Sixers are more than $30 million under the cap, which means they can theoretically make a number of moves that leave their fans humiliated and utterly hopeless, all without having to pay any luxury tax,” said ESPN NBA analyst Marc Jackson, adding that Philadelphia has enough salary to offer inflated long-term contracts to multiple incredibly overhyped free agents, effectively torpedoing the team’s playoff hopes for the next decade. “They have plenty of options at this point. Do they pay way too much for a declining, 32-year-old Carlos Boozer? Or do they opt to just throw away future draft picks in order to build a team around the fatally flawed core of Amar’e Stoudemire, Derrick Williams, and Joel Embiid? With this much money available, there are just so many ways they can perpetually infuriate every single basketball fan in Philadelphia for the foreseeable future.” Jackson went on to say the most likely scenario would be the 76ers simply refusing to spend any money at all and forcing their fans to watch the current roster play another full season.

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